Steve Braunias’ secret memoir of . . . Judith Collins
PREFACE
Thank you for reading my memoir. It is written in an easy and conversational style as I am sure you will agree. It is called Pull No Punches. That is because I wrote it with my own two fists.
CHAPTER ONE
My parents voted Labour. I learned the error of their ways.
CHAPTER TWO
I became a partner in a law firm at the age of 27 and bought two restaurants. One day I was cleaning the sink when I came across something slithering up out of the drains.
“Hello,” it said. “I’m John Key.”
CHAPTER THREE
I entered politics. My country needed me.
CHAPTER FOUR
One day I was cleaning the sink when I came across something slithering up out of the drains. “Hello,” it said. “I’m Cameron Slater.”
I introduced him to John Key. The two hit it off immediately.
CHAPTER FIVE
There was a successful coup against National leader Don Brash. I found it incredible that serving MPs could be so disloyal to their leader.
CHAPTER SIX
National won the election. I was the obvious choice to take control of the finance portfolio because I once had dinner with right-wing economist Milton Friedman.
But Key had other ideas, and New Zealand lost its greatest chance for the few to enjoy even greater levels of prosperity.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Key ran a sexist government. Paula Bennett was a member of his kitchen cabinet but I wasn’t.
CHAPTER EIGHT
There were many happy years colluding with Cameron Slater’s blog Whale Oil, spreading gossip and plotting a series of petty little vengeances against people we didn’t like — but a vainglorious memoir isn’t the place to get into that.
CHAPTER NINE
I am exhausted after that long sentence in chapter eight.
CHAPTER TEN
Key slithered out of politics. Bill English got what was coming to him.
There was a successful coup against Simon Bridges. I found it entirely credible to be so disloyal to the party’s leader.
I stand before you today with my job application as the next leader of National.
Thank you for reading it.