The secret diary of . . . the Collins Gang
MONDAY
Whitey Collins: “It sure is quiet in town today,” I said to my porcelain doll Judith. I cradled her in my lap in my rocking chair in the attic. “Maybe a little too quiet.”
Deputy Kaye: I spent the day tryin’ to fix the barn door with one hand while roundin’ up some cattle rustlers with the other hand. I called out, “A little help?” But no one answered. I sure wish Sheriff Muller was around.
Special agent Hooton: I done got Sheriff Muller his job but he ain’t answering his door. I was banging on it all day long. BANG BANG BANG. He musta heard me. BANG BANG BANG. I kept on at it hour after hour. BANG BANG BANG. My knuckles got mighty sore. BANG BANG BANG.
Deputy Kaye: The barn collapsed and the rustlers took my cattle. I went into town and tumbleweeds were rollin’ down the main street.
Crazy Hamish Walker: I hid myself in a tumbleweed and rolled down the main street.
Homeless Michael Woodhouse: I said to Crazy Hamish, “Make some room in that tumbleweed.”
Whitey Collins: “It’s happenin’, honey child,” I said to Judith, and stroked her hair. “It’s happenin’ earlier than we thought, is all. Sheriff Muller ain’t gonna last much longer. And then the job is ours. All ours!” She looked up at me with her big blue eyes.
Special agent Hooton: BANG BANG BANG.
Sheriff Muller: I done got me a real bad headache.
TUESDAY
Whitey Collins: “Word’s just come in,” I said to Judith. “Sheriff Muller’s done quit. There’s gonna be a meetin’ tonight at the saloon to elect a new sheriff. And you know who that’s gonna be, don’t ya?” She looked up at me with her big blue eyes. Blind Mark Mitchell: The town needs me. Yep. Ain’t no two ways about it. The time has come. Gonna put on my best duds and head to the saloon.
Yep. Gonna walk right on in there, and say, “Let’s get it over with. Pin the badge on my hat right now.” Yep. Just as soon as I find my cane.
Happy Bridges: Think I’ll mosey on down to the saloon tonight. Maybe get a little drunk with a good friend of mine. Hell, what’s life for if it ain’t for livin’? Folks around here take themselves too seriously.
Whitey Collins: I walked right on in there, shot the hat straight off the head of that damn fool Mitchell, and said, “We ain’t got no time to lose. Stone Cold Ardern is comin’ for our taxes. Gimme that badge and pay me some respect bordering on servility.”
They all got down on their knees except Happy Bridges. He just leaned against the bar and ordered a shot of whiskey for himself, and one for his yak. Then he put his hand behind his back, pulled something out, and said, “Reckon you’ll be wantin’ this. Could come in handy.”
I wondered where I’d left my knife.
WEDNESDAY
Deputy Kaye: I done finished with this gang.
Grizzly Amy Adams: I done finished with this gang.
Surly Brownlee: I done got elected deputy. But it ain’t improved my mood none. I wake up surly and I go to bed surly. Always have, always will. Least ways people always know where they are with me and that’s all that matters.
THURSDAY
Whitey Collins: I sent word to Stone Cold Ardern that her days are numbered.
FRIDAY
Whitey Collins: Stone Cold Ardern ain’t sent word back. That don’t worry me none. “The townsfolk are gonna side with me,” I said to Judith. “They’re gonna love me like you do, ain’t they?” She looked at me with her big blue eyes.