Help survivors spark vital change

A teenager who raped and sexually violated multiple girls avoided jail at his sentencing this week. One of his victims’ mothers, Tracey Edmonds, responds to criticism of the sentence and argues what needs to change

I’m Mia Edmonds’ mother. I write as a grieving mother not as a lawyer, although I am both. The “fault” for what happened lies with the offender. Not with the courts, not with the judge. The offender. Do not get distracted.

Sentencing is complex, especially when an offender (as in this case) was very young when he committed some of his offences. All parties, the police, the lawyers (prosecution and defence), did their jobs. The law requires discounts be applied for certain factors. Although I question why the starting point for this man’s sentence was not higher, being appalled by the judge is misguided and misses the point entirely.

We need to be angry, and we need to express it, but we need to be angry with the social systems that allowed this to happen. The crimes against my daughter started as anti-social behaviour — aka school bullying. I tried to get help with the bullying. Despite all my resources and professional training, I could not stop him. His behaviour kept escalating.

In court this week, the judge read the statement of facts behind the offending. The judge described how the offender later ran into one rape victim on the street. His reaction was to spit on her. The survivor reports he then boasted about the spitting on social media. Think about that. Sit with the nauseating discomfort of what this additional context represents. Just for a moment.

This is not a one-off. He is not a one-off. It is happening everywhere. We need to be so angry that we work together to tear down the systems that promulgate rape culture.

For me, watching this, living this horror for five years (and the years before that while this person’s behaviour was escalating to criminal level), the overarching point is we need to teach our boys that women are not their playthings. They are not pieces of meat to use and discard. No means no. Anything less than a “hell yes” means NO. End of story.

If you read the full judgment from this week’s sentencing, when it is published, this is what the judge said to the offender. This is her message to the community. To all of us.

We all have a responsibility as parents, as participants in institutions (like schools and businesses and sports clubs) and as a community to refuse to allow anti-social and violent behaviour to flourish in the shadows.

Call your gropey friend out, don’t laugh it off because he’s drunk. Or more specifically stop being a gross, offensive dude. If you see someone acting inappropriately, stop it. Stand up for others, especially young people. Don’t look away. If your kid tells you something is “off ” at school, go there with evidence. Demand action. Don’t let the school silence you. Rage against the system.

If it’s your kid going off the rails, get help, real help — hell, move them away if you have to — until you’re sure they have the self-control to safely go out and not hurt people or themselves. Don’t let them drink if you’re not sure they can do it responsibly.

If your efforts don’t work at first, please don’t give up. Don’t prioritise your shame over the future of your kids and the kids they might hurt. I know it’s hard. Parenting is the hardest thing I have done. But it’s our job to get them through it. No matter how difficult some of the subject matter becomes. Don’t stop until you’re sure your kid is under control. Consult professionals.

Do your best to stop your sons/ kids from consuming hardcore pornography. This was a persistent theme in this case. Parent your child, if they do something wrong, make sure they experience consequences. If you don’t know how to parent, go to a parenting course. Read the advice of qualified experts. Care as much about the social consciousness of your children as you do about their grades.

Uncomfortable consequences serve to modify future behaviour. Perhaps if this, then kid, now man, had been appropriately guided, punished, suffered consequences when being an anti-social a***hole at the start of this, before he became a serial rapist, he and all the survivors and their close contacts would not have had their lives derailed.

Above all, we as parents need to pull our heads out of our arses and face that teenage sexual violence is rife. It is permitted when we let our kids have unlimited access to alcohol, unsupervised houses and protection when they f *** up. It’s also permitted when we turn a blind eye because we’re not brave enough to face the truth of what we know or suspect.

We need to celebrate these girls. They have faced a systemic avalanche, a veritable tsunami of difficulty in getting where they’ve got. They went through medical examinations, hours of police interviews, video statements, victim impact statements, speculation and mockery on the playground. Years and years of delay. Rumour, innuendo and aggression from this guy’s support people was a persistent and particularly horrendous feature.

Rosie Veldkamp, Ellie Oram and Mia Edmonds and all the other survivors are heroes. They are the changemakers, they are the disruptors we all need. They are our cultural wake-up call.

They are wa¯hine toa, they are strong and eloquent and will not just fade away or cry in the shadows. They were heard this week. Every sob, as the statement of facts in this case in all of the offences was read out was heard in that room by all the people there. All of this effort was not to put this guy in prison. They are not vengeful.

The point of it all was to stop this guy raping and sexually assaulting others but also on a wider, community level to call to all of us to say no to this behaviour.

Raging against the decision online is not applying effort. A grassroots acknowledgement of what we as a community have allowed to go on, is needed.

I call on all readers of this piece to climb aboard and help the survivors initiate systemic change. Learn about this topic. It will require us all to move from behind the keyboards and to be brave in real life.

I need to thank Ruth Money, she is a powerhouse of advocacy. She and the two police officers in charge of this case were relentless and respectful and oh so calm. They walked with Mia and the many other survivors every step of the way — both figuratively and in the courtroom, literally. Ruth is a volunteer victim advocate. Thank you so much Ruth, we can never repay you for your care.

If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or abuse and need to talk to someone, contact Safe to Talk confidentially, any time, on 0800 044 334 or text 4334. For more information visit safetotalk.nz