The Secret Leaked emails of . . . TVNZ
Kia ora everyone,
Operations GM Andrew Fernie here, guys! Just a heads-up on a developing situation with one of our wh¯anau, Kamahl Santamaria, who many of you will know as one of the incredible humans who hosts Breakfast.
He has a family emergency.
We all know how stressful that can be and I’m sure all your thoughts go out to him at this time. We’re a team, and a team looks out for one another. There is no “I” in team but I think we should all pay attention to the advice I am about to give you.
Shut up and not a word of this to anyone.
Take care of each other,
Ng¯a mihi.
TUESDAY
Kia ora everyone,
Andy here again. Just a heads-up on the developing situation with that guy who we no longer regard as an incredible human.
His family emergency has become a personal matter.
The thing about personal matters is that they’re very often quite private. And so what I’m inviting you all to do is place your thoughts on the same wavelength as mine, which is to not think anything.
One or two of you might query how that squares with the high standard of journalism we routinely practise at Breakfast, Seven Sharp and Police Ten 7 but you know what? Don’t worry about it.
Take care of what you say,
Ng¯a mihi.
WEDNESDAY
Kia ora everyone,
Andrew here and actually no not kia ora to everyone, not kia ora to whoever leaked internal emails about the way we’re handling that guy’s personal emergency or whatever it is, I can’t believe someone would do this, it’s embarrassing and quite frankly disgusting, and I think I’m going to be sick.
TVNZ looks after its people! We regularly offer diversity and inclusion training. That’s very diverse of us, isn’t it? As well as inclusive, obviously. But, oh no, plainly not diverse and inclusive enough for some big fat tittle-tattle who goes leaking to other news outlets. Our reputation and our brand are being wilfully destroyed right now, but you know what? It ends here. Take care of your disgusting habits, Ng¯a mihi.
THURSDAY
Ah FFS,
This is Fernie. Stop the goddamned LEAKING. I can’t believe someone LEAKED the email that asked everyone to stop LEAKING. Which one of you is LEAKING?
Look around the room, LEAKER! Look at our team of loyal, hardworking incredible humans who simply do not LEAK! This is the time we should be together — not the time we should be LEAKING! But you know what? I have a message for the LEAKER.
You’re the problem. Not Kamahl. Ng¯a whatever.
FRIDAY
Te¯n¯a koutou, nau mai, haere mai. TVNZ chief executive Simon Power here.
I want to share with you my thoughts on a general level. Many lessons have been learned over the last few days. They are valuable lessons of a general nature.
Lessons that will stand us in good stead as we all move forward as a diverse and inclusive team, generally.
There’s no point in sharing those lessons because you know what? Our number one priority right now is to hang someone out to dry. Take heed,
Ka kite ano¯.