The Secret Diary of . . . Trevor Mallard
Jacinda Ardern
Let me be perfectly clear that today’s Cabinet reshuffle is an affair so minor as to barely warrant any kind of attention and indeed the best response to it, in my mind, and I’m quite certain of this, is to pay no attention to it, as we would do with any minor matter, so as to save our thoughts and feelings about major matters, which is the really only the way we conduct our day-to-day lives and I don’t see Parliament as being any different to that rule, and in any case I’m sure you will all join me in wishing a fond farewell to Speaker Mallard.
For he’s a jolly good fellow!
Trevor Mallard
See youse all later. I don’t give a stuff.
Jacinda Ardern
So, some of you may have jumped to unwise conclusions or drawn long bows about the departure of Speaker Mallard, and seen something in it that simply isn’t there, because this is simply a matter of Speaker Mallard transitioning out of the role of Speaker over the course of this term to allow someone else the opportunity, and to take on new challenges, as is the way of life, and like I say, is a minor matter that is barely worth registering, but the important thing is that I know we are all united in wishing Speaker Mallard all the best. Isn’t he just loveable!
Trevor Mallard
It’s not as though I said, “Gizzus a plum overseas posting and I’ll go quietly”, or that they replied, “Sssshhh.”
Jacinda Ardern
Let me perfectly clear that Speaker Mallard’s appointment to a diplomatic posting somewhere in Europe is no way, shape or form a case of jobs for the boys, or that it should be regarded as any kind of perk, because he will be very busy, very busy indeed, the work of a diplomat is an unceasing seriousness often conducted in small rooms without hot water, no one speaks a word of English and the service leaves a lot to be desired, but former ministers accept the challenge because they see it as a duty to one’s country. And in any case Speaker Mallard celebrated his 66th birthday on Friday so he’s hardly one of the boys. But we all love our old mate!
Trevor Mallard
Winston Peters can stick his legal action. Anyway, the taxpayer will pay for my defence.
Winston Peters
This is a cover-up. It’s a total cover-up, and an outrage.
I don’t think it’s any exaggeration to view this as one of the biggest outrages that anyone has ever seen, because it’s no coincidence that the announcement of Mallard’s resignation has come just two weeks after I sent him my letter advising him of my legal action against him.
If the Prime Minister didn’t know, then Mallard has deliberately kept this information from her.
If the Prime Minister did know, then there can be no other explanation other than this is an attempt to cover up Mallard’s behaviour and to allow the Government to save face.
It’s not as though I’ve based my career on the thrill of dark possibilities contained in the word “if ”.
Jacinda Ardern
So I think that we can clearly conclude that Mr Peters’ course of action had no bearing on what I outlined yesterday, when, if you remember, I repeatedly used the word transition, sometimes in the sense that I describing Speaker Mallard as transitioning, at other times that Speaker Mallard wished to be transitioned, but throughout, one thing was consistent, and that was multiple use of the hypnotic word transition, transition, transition, designed to make you feel sleepy, very sleepy indeed.
Good night Speaker Mallard! Go to bed. Just go to bed, for God’s sake.
Trevor Mallard
I’ll stay up if I want to. But hey. I was good with babies.
And I built a children’s playground on Parliament’s grounds.
Picture the swings, and remember me that way.