CAR CUISINE
Steve Braunias discovers a new dining experience
Cooking in cars! It’s a thing. Apparently. I got an email the other day with the subject line, “Unlock 5 flavourful meals with car cooking.” The sender was someone called Irine Melikian. Their email began, “Did you know that your car can be more than just a means of transportation, but also a tool for culinary innovation?” I didn’t know. Irine continued, “An intriguing new perspective discovered by the International Drivers Association team suggests that meals cooked in cars can be extraordinarily flavourful, thanks to the unique conditions provided by the average automobile.”
Cooking in cars! The email appeared to be some kind of scam. I base this on the fact that I could not find anyone in the world answering to the name Irine Melikian. But they had really delved into the subject, and provided a lot of information. A sub-headline advised, “Five Reasons Why Food Tastes Better When Cooked In Your Car.” They included Optimal Heating Conditions (“Cooking food in a car involves utilising the naturally high heat conditions, especially during summer. Slow-cooking at consistent temperatures helps retain nutrients and flavour, giving your meal a richer taste”) and In-Car Infusion (“As your car heats up, car seats and interior materials provide a unique influx of aroma that can add a unique essence to the food”). The aroma of car seats! Okay. A scam, definitely.
Cooking in cars! Cooking ... what, exactly? Good old Irine Melikian listed, “Five Meals You Can Cook In Your Car.” They included Dashboard Lasagna (“On a hot day, let it sit in a tightly sealed dish on the dashboard for several hours”), Slow-Cooked Stew (“Simply prepare the ingredients and place the pot on the backseat. Cook for several hours”) and, most incredibly of all, sure to provide a unique influx of aroma, Glove Box Grilled Cheese (“Assemble your sandwich, wrap it in foil, and place it in the glove box on a hot day. A delicious grilled cheese will be ready in a few hours”). What?
Cooking in cars! Why would anyone do it? The mysterious Irine Melikian raved, “A research study suggests that new experiences, such as cooking in a car, bring satisfaction and happiness, which translates into the perception of food quality and taste.” There are new experiences and then there are flat-out crazy and mentally unwell new experiences which translate into the need for psychiatric care.
Cooking in cars! Does anyone do it? I approached an expert in cooking, and an expert in cars. My favourite reviewer in New Zealand is Jesse Mulligan, whose food reviews in Viva are comedy classics as well as observational writing at its best. He has adventurous tastes in food and although he is the very definition of an epicurean he does not stand for food snobbery. What I’m trying to say is that the fat pig will eat anything. I texted him, “Have you ever eaten a meal cooked in a car?” He replied, “Sir, I have not.” The following day I was reporting on a murder trial at the High Court; the defence had called an expert witness, car crash analyst Bruce Wilson. He said in the witness box that tyre skidmarks on a road are not in fact tyre residue; they are melted tarseal. A man who can see through the myth of burnt rubber would surely know about vehicular heat and eat. I asked him, “Have you ever eaten a meal cooked in a car?” He said “No, you’d have to be barking mad.”
Cooking in cars! A scam, flat-out crazy, barking mad — actually it’s a thing. I looked it up. There are message boards devoted to it, with one trucker describing the burritos he cooked in his engine on three-hour hauls. There is a book on it, published in 1998, titled Manifold Destiny: The one, the only, guide to cooking on your car engine. It sold 30,000 copies and recipes include pork tenderloin (cooking distance: 400km). There’s an Engine Heat BBQ Cook-Off at the Le Mans racetrack. “Teams unanimously agree that the best heat source is an exhaust manifold, the exhaust system itself, and (if done properly) the radiator.” But one critic complained about the health risks, and concluded, “When it comes to your car, stick to driving.” What a killjoy. I invite readers to join in the conversation. Let’s explore this thing, together. Email recipes, comments, tips and stories with the subject line COOKING IN CARS!