My teenage daughter is a spoiled brat
Q: I’m a single mother of two girls, 11 and 13. I’ve brought them up with very little help from their dad. I specifically bought a house in a good school zone with their teen years in mind, but now my Year 9 girl is making friends with girls with wealthy parents and is acting like a spoiled brat. She never brings friends home anymore she says it’s because our house is too small and boring, she’s clearly embarrassed of me and how we live. There are constant demands for the latest sneakers and phones. I earn an OK salary but I can’t keep up with this. Where has my lovely generous daughter gone?
A: It’s always alarming when children get lost to us for a little while, but I think as with most teenagers, your daughter will come back.
In the first instance, let’s acknowledge how tough year 9 can be for some children. They are often thrust into a bigger, completely novel environment and with this in mind, you must be relieved your daughter has made new friends. The fact that these friends are from a different socio-economic mix makes it harder for her. All children compare – it’s human nature, and your 13-year-old probably doesn’t have the maturity yet, to be comfortable with your family’s financial constraints.
It’s also quite likely that this problem is more than a money/ comparison/dissatisfaction thing. Your daughter may be temporarily lost under a big pile of normal teenage angst. Even if you could buy her the latest sneakers and phone, she may still hate on you and all you represent.
There’s not much you can do amidst this turmoil except remain steadfast. While your daughter wavers and is embarrassed by your house and the way you live, you must remain resolute and unapologetic.
I suggest you keep trying to invite her friends to your house. You can offer them time-rich opportunities that might not be available in their toy-rich houses. If you play a long steady game of cricket, it could be that your daughter’s new friends are the very ones who bring her back to you.
As an aside, I wonder when you say you’ve specifically bought a house in a ‘good school zone’, if that is not a euphemism for a ‘rich school zone?’ We have outstanding secondary schools right around this country with great hearts, amazing learning opportunities and diverse students that would enrich your daughter if she were to come in contact with them. You’ve made your choice now, but perhaps be open to the advantages she may gain if she’s allowed to have access to friends who do not have so much money.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written two novels for young adults including Coming Home to Roost. As one of seven sisters there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.
To send her a question email life.style@fairfaxmedia.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line.