Let’s talk about sex

Jodie Molloy answers your most intimate questions

Q

I know my 16-year-old daughter is thinking about having sex with her boyfriend. I have no idea what to do. I’ve explained all the reasons why I’m not happy about it, but I have no idea how to protect her or how to convince her she should wait. Worried, Kapiti Coast

A

This transition from child to sexual adult is a tough one, especially when it happens under your roof. If you feel you’ve explained all the obvious reasons why premature sexual engagement can be risky for teens, then you are left with one option – focus on exploring a slightly different angle rather than citing all the reasons it’s a bad idea.

Evidence suggests teens are incredibly well-versed in sexual mechanics, thanks to sex education in schools and peer-group communications. They know how, when and why we have sex. What they are not so sure about is the stuff that goes with it – relationships, how to manage expectations, the feelings involved in liking somebody and how they feel about their body.

Instead of using pre-loaded statements, encourage your daughter to keep talking to you and let her know that you’re available to answer any questions she may have. It’s a technique that might make her less resistant to your opinion. This isn’t so much about you giving her your blessing as it is about you listening to her, respecting her feelings and seeing if there’s a way you can share your thoughts without sparking conflict.

Q

My partner can’t orgasm when he uses a condom. He claims the sensation isn’t the same. I feel guilty – even though I shouldn’t – but I can’t take the Pill. What can I do? It’s making our sexual experiences seem really separate. Concerned, Coromandel

A

Firstly, I’m not sure I’ve ever met a man who has raised a toast to the rubber. By and large, people seem to think they have to tolerate them instead of making use of the enormous range of different types now available.

If your time and finances permit, I would experiment by grabbing a range of the most cutting-edge ones out there and then see how he feels. Be adventurous and try more than one brand! I’d be surprised if he can’t find a shoe that fits. If nothing works, try talking about some erotic things that you can both do to make the condom experience less you-versus-me.

Most importantly, don’t feel guilty. Sex is to be shared – it’s not up to one of you to take responsibility. Whatever contraception you’re using as a couple should be chosen because you both understand and endorse the choice.