Tonya’s tragic legacy A TEST WOULD HAVE SAVED HER LIFE
The chef’s diagnosis came too late
When Ben Curnow hears his young daughter Poppy openly telling people that her mum Tonya Booker died of Aids, his sadness is tempered with pride.
“It gives me hope that the stigma around HIV is finally diminishing and that we can deal with the reality without the prejudice or shame of the past,” says Ben, a former art curator and critic, who is now an at-home single dad to 11-year-old Poppy.
Ben has agreed to share his very personal story exclusively with Woman’s Day in the hope it will raise awareness of how the HIV virus can affect anyone – and perhaps spare another family similar grief.
Three years ago, his partner Tonya, 48 – the oldest of seven siblings, a top chef, and mum to young Poppy – died in Auckland Hospital from the complications brought on by Aids. For more than two years, Tonya sought help for her deteriorating health, but because she was a middleclass mum from trendy inner city Auckland, no-one thought to do an HIV test.
Although about 20 women in New Zealand are diagnosed each year with HIV, the “risk categories” are considered people who have lived in Africa, men who have sex with men or people who use intravenous drugs. “Tonya’s life could have been spared with a simple pin-prick blood test,” says Ben, 53. “Her death was a preventable tragedy.”
Ben and Tonya met in 2004 at an art show in Auckland. Tonya was a chef who’d worked around the world, including a stint in London as the personal cook for Harrods owner Mohamed Al-Fayed.
The couple had set up life in Auckland and by the time Poppy came along, Tonya launched her own catering firm, which they both juggled so they could spend as much time as possible with their precious only child.
The mother-of-one was vigilant about her wellbeing, getting regular medical checks, eating well and seeing a naturopath and nutritionist, tells Ben. “Tonya took good care of herself and we took good care of each other.”
But in 2012, her health began to go downhill. Her GP took blood tests that showed she was anaemic and her white cell count was low. The following year, she began to get
nosebleeds, severe headachesh d h and debilitating fatigue. “The bedrooms at home are upstairs and Tonya struggled to get up the stairs or out to the letterbox,” recalls Ben. “It was a dreadful time for us, but she was trying to get help. She kept going back to her GP and was referred to various specialists.”
Failing health
On the advice of one specialist, Tonya had her tonsils removed – an operation from which she never quite recovered. “Tonya was not a frail looking person, but the weight was falling off her.” She had reflux, mouth ulcers, gallstones and pneumonia. She was finally admitted to Auckland Hospital in June 2014.
“It was only when she was taken to ICU that an HIV test was done, but by then, she had full-blown Aids,” says Ben. “She died five days after finding out she was HIV-positive.”
Following Tonya’s death, a barrister friend offered to help with taking legal action. “But at the time, I just didn’t have the fight in me,” he recalls.
In his quiet way, Ben is angry the health system let Tonya down and she spent the last two years of her life dying because her illness was undiagnosed.di d “HIV isi not t theth plague it was in the 1980s,” he explains. “With early detection and medication, it has become more of a life-long condition.”
It is believed Tonya contracted the virus from a relationship she had in Sydney before she met Ben. Mercifully, Ben and Poppy have tested negative.
Despite the passing of time, Ben says he still misses Tonya every day. He and Poppy often spend time at the Booker family farm in Drury, south of Auckland, where her ashes are scattered.
“People think when you lose a loved one, it’s a single event. Grief is something I live with every day and always will.
“Poppy, who was only eight when she lost her mum, is doing well. She’s a smart and determined young girl. I see so much of Tonya in her.”
Ben hopes that in telling Tonya’s story, GPs will think to make HIV testing more mainstream. The support network Positive Women is also using Tonya’s face on a poster for their campaign, “Women Can Get HIV Too”.
“It is Tonya’s legacy,” says Ben. “Yes, we are a private family, but this is also a public health issue.”