I’VE GOT THIS!
Sarah-Kate’s determined to stay ahead of the game
After many months devouring candy floss for my head by watching only house-hunting shows on the telly, I’ve had to break out some new brain cells to contemplate the latest series of Game of Thrones.
I’m a fan of the show, but not a mad fan. I watched most of series one and two, but completely skipped three which meant that while I loved four, there were large holes that were never quite filled, so five and six were slightly pockmarked too.
However, I persisted and am now setting aside special concentrating time for series seven. For the uninitiated, if there is any such person, GameofThrones is a great big fight in a made-up land over the throne of seven kingdoms. God knows why. There’s not one single kingdom I myself would want to live in, although Dorne has the best weather.
I’d take a sword and cut my own head off if I woke up and found myself in the Night’s Watch. Twelve months a year of ice, snow and wind? There aren’t enough capes in the world ...
Anyhoo, the creators of the show, based on the books by George R.R. Martin (who looks like the king of a blistering barnacle-type kingdom himself), describe it as “TheSopranos in Middle Earth”. Fair call, but did this help me have even half a clue when I sat down with a piping-hot cup of tea and a muffin to watch the premiere of season seven?
It did not. George R.R. Martin, why did you give everyone such complicated, bally names? All these years in and I still can’t tell a Baratheon from a Targaryen from a hole in the ground.
Good work on Jon Snow and Robb Stark, but Sansa, Cersei and Daenerys? Give me strength. By the time you add your Littlefingers, your Melissandres, your Greyjoys and Emma Peel from TheAvengers, it’s no wonder I’m lost.
So for those in a similar pickle, and I know you’re out there, I suggest you jump onto YouTube and watch TheIdiots’GuidetoGame ofThrones.
In about five minutes a series, it catches you up on who’s doing what to whom, of which there is an awful lot, most of it not in a good way.
Having done my homework, I sat down and re-watched episode one, happy in the knowledge that now everyone is basically headed to the same place, although I’m still not quite sure where that is.
Who from the colourful cast of characters would I want to invite to my house for a dinner party? Not a one. I value my head, my hands and my private parts too highly. Even the good guys on GameofThrones will slit your throat as soon as look at you.
And here’s some advice: Should you be invited to a wedding in any of the seven kingdoms, best to politely decline and stay home crossing names off your Christmas card list instead.