NOT THAT KIND
The mark of a good man is up for debate at Kate’s
Iwas interested to read a recent study that reported most parents would rather their children had a great personality than a high IQ. I’ve long been a fan of this approach. To my mind, if kids can make eye contact, speak when spoken to, use manners and be kind, I hail that as a greater win than any A+ report card telling me how good they are at maths.
A survey of 142 mothers in the UK showed more than half wanted their kids to become extroverts. They desired that trait more than conscientiousness and intelligence. Only 10% rated intelligence as a top quality. I was surprised by the conscientiousness bit because that trait is widely regarded as strongly aligned with positive life outcomes. But as a mum, I can understand that when confronted with a survey on what you want for your kids, most of us would tick “happy and healthy” before all else.
Being a fan of the EQ-overIQ argument hasn’t always served me well. Foolishly, I let my kids know early on that I would not be the mother rewarding high exam results with praise, but would hand out high-fives based on good manners and kindness.
When my daughter crossed the stage for her first prizegiving certificate based on school results, I was most proud of the comments made to me by her teacher about what a kind friend she was to her peers. My motto has always been, “If you can be anything, be kind.” It’s a cruel world and I wanted my kids to be the ones who’d sit with the lonely or help the disenfranchised. But when the focus is all about being a good person, the spotlight can come off the grades.
Cue the latest school reports. As I perused their scorecards and tut-tutted about all the areas I thought they’d slacked off or could do better, suddenly my kindness crusade bit me in the bum.
“But mother dearest,” one son implored, “you always say it’s not the mark that counts, it’s the attitude.”
“Yes,” chimed in son number two. “And that if we’re kind and a good friend, then that outweighs any perfect scorecard.”
“I’ve been a great friend this year. What about you?” son number one asked his brother.
“Likewise,” son number two replied. “I’d give myself a 10 out of 10 for friendship and kindness.”
“Stop it,” I said. “I know what you’re doing.” I tried to explain myself. “Obviously it’s important to me that you’re good people, but not at the expense of schoolwork! It’s important to be kind but also to work hard at school, not just coast because you think you can get away with it!”
Here’s a tip: Never try to explain yourself to teenagers. It only makes it worse. “Oh, so you’re backtracking now, Mum?” they laughed.
“No, I am not,” I began, but my argument was lost.