Sex talk
Jodie Molloy answers your most intimate questions
Q My husband wakes up with an erection every single morning without fail. When I ask him what he was dreaming about, he says it wasn’t sexual. Is that even possible? It’s like he’s some kind of sex addict!
Annoyed, Hawera
A Men can have multiple erections during a sleep cycle. Our clitoris also has activity during this period, but due to size and location, it isn’t noticeable. So if he’s saying the morning salute isn’t a testament to anything more than his oxygenated member, you may have to assume he’s telling you the truth.
Q My awesome boyfriend has always had a high sex drive, but things seem to be getting out of hand and he keeps arriving home with toys that make me feel uncomfortable sizewise. I don’t mind a bit of experimentation, but I can’t work out if I’m becoming a prude or he’s just getting more selfish?
Confused, Auckland
A It’s him. Nobody should be using anything during sex that isn’t consensual. What you are doing by not speaking up and just going along with his desires is really making you a performance artist, not a sexual partner. If your mind is preoccupied, then how is that good for you? And this is even worse if it’s causing you physical pain. If the shoe was on the other foot and you were trying to impale him with, say, an eight-and-a-half-inch dildo, would he be as agreeable as you are?
It sounds like you are scared he won’t find you physically compatible if you don’t play along. But where is the future in pretending? Why don’t you pick your own toys, invest in what suits you size-wise and simply explain that this is what works for you. If he wants to walk away, better to know now rather than later.
Q This is very embarrassing for me, but I find giving my boyfriend oral sex really painful. He’s super into it and is also quite large, but I don’t like making him feel self-conscious about it. It’s caused him problems with girlfriends in the past, and he’s trying to be really gentle and respectful, but it’s still full-on. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or if it’s always going to be like this. Please help!
Unlucky, Ashburton
A In this instance, enduring pain during sex on behalf of or for another person isn’t healthy or ideal. You deserve to feel amazing during sex, not on the brink of passing out courtesy of a gigantor blocking your windpipe.
We all do things when we are in love or want to please people, but this has to be discussed before you hurt yourself. Either he’s not being gentle enough or you have to consider that maybe this sexual aspect isn’t working out in terms of biomechanics.
One thing you could try is the Adam & Eve Deep Throat Desensitizing Spray, available from Peaches and Cream. Apply it before or during sex and see if it helps.
If he’s already told you he’s had issues with other girlfriends, then don’t be scared to join the chorus. Pretending you are down with deep throat won’t win you the day. It sounds like he’s the one that needs to make an informed decision about what he expects from his partner.