Let’s talk about sex
Jodie Molloy answers your most intimate questions
QI keep seeing scenes in movies of couples having sex in the shower, but whenever I try it with my husband, it’s a disaster. Am I missing something? ●● Frustrated, Auckland
A You are asking for a physical disaster when it comes to hot, steamy environments traditionally made for one but involving the coordination skills of two. Now don’t get me wrong – if you somehow have the perfect height ratio and are both endowed with the flexibility of a Russian gymnast, by all means, go for your life. I’m jealous!
But otherwise, the horrible truth is that film studios send out these images, but they don’t quite show the reality of a shower encounter. I know people who have ended up with back sprains, bruises, twisted ankles and even a bloody nose when they’ve attempted “movie sex” in the bathroom.
Not all of us have been born with coltish limbs and are lightweight, enabling shower-hoist moves. Examine the origins of the desire to do this and let yourself off the hook if the places you normally have to clean during the week – like the kitchen table, the floor or the shower – aren’t in fact your natural hot spots. I’m giving you permission to say great sex in somewhere as boring as your bed is just fine.
Q My husband wants me to flog him with a whip. It’s because he says he feels guilty about what women go through on behalf of mankind. I think it sounds insane. Should I do it? Sceptical, Wellington
AW ell, who’s to say what motivates people and you have to wonder why would he be lying about this? No matter how absurd it may sound to you, it may well be a deeply held idea rooted in his sexual psyche. At least he’s communicating his thoughts with you and that’s not to be scoffed at.
What you have to decide is whether or not you’re giving anything up in terms of your values or your ability to feel desire and intimacy in a moment that is clearly more about his pleasure? Do you feel comfortable taking time out to satisfy his exclusive desire or would you prefer your experience be a shared one?
That line is different for every person and couple. If you do this with him, make sure you are responsible and have a pre-set boundary of what’s enough. Have a “safe word” to stop and practical things like antiseptic on hand. If you don’t agree with it or don’t want to do this, you also have a right to say that you feel uncomfortable.
I would encourage you to not judge or mock him for wanting to do this – we are all entitled to our own desires and in our partners we hope to find trust, not judgment, even if they don’t share the same desires. If you’re both respectful and realistic, you’ll find a way to communicate, understand and share your way through these differences.