LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Jodie Molloy answers your most intimate questions
QI asked my 15-year-old daughter last week if she was having sex and she said no, but I read her diary and I now know she’s lying. I’m horrified and don’t know what to do. Sneaky, Wellington
AThis is an age-old parental dilemma. You have two options as I see them. One is to ’fess up to your act. It’s a breach of trust, full stop. No matter what your good parental intentions, from her position, you’ve violated her privacy. She’s not going to understand nor should you expect her to. So I would brace myself for a reckoning if you go so far as to say you have done this and you want to talk about what you’ve found.
The other option is to insist on a conversation about safe sex. Ask some direct questions (and not reveal you have prior knowledge). In a perfect world, you would be able to deduce what’s going on in her life from a conversation and encourage her to not hide from telling the truth. Insist that you want disclosure based not on being angry or furious or disappointed but more as a means to make sure she’s OK, why she’s taken this step, with whom and how is she doing it in terms of making sure she’s safe from disease or pregnancy?
QI had a baby a year ago and since then, I can’t bear to have sex. My breasts are extra-sensitive since I stopped feeding. I’m exhausted and am now pretending that I have an interest in sex. I don’t really want to do it, but I’m conscious I can’t be seen to just ask him to stop!
Annoyed, Kerikeri
AFirstly you need to stop pretending to yourself and your husband. You shouldn’t have to feel like it’s your job or obligation to sleep with somebody. What you can expect is to have somebody understand that this is a stage in your relationship that’s very normal. This is where conversations with men and women need to get real. Men often want things to remain as they were and no matter how much a capable woman wants that to be true, it’s just often not the case. And the fact this isn’t a normal conversation and women are made to feel like they are the exception, not the rule, is curious. It won’t change until we all agree that the re-education begins in our own homes.
You deserve more than to just be a vessel of meeting your baby and husband’s needs. I would take all pressure off yourself to feel the same levels of desire or interest that you had prebaby and instead focus on exploring some alternatives that might work for you. Explain to your partner you are not feeling as inclined as he is and maybe focus on what is working for you right now. Maybe if and when you feel inclined, focus on some little erotic exercises, designed entirely for your pleasure, that don’t require a huge commitment. Invite something simple into the mix, like old-fashioned kissing or add something new to your simplified sex experience.
You seem conscious of not wanting to shut your husband out of intimacy. Decide to feel empowered, not guilty, about taking it slow and have fun with the limits you feel comfortable with.