Michele A’Court’s advice to girls
Comedienne Michele A’Court has some wise words for girls
Holding A’Court
Here’s something that is going to happen to you forever – not just now, but even when you are really quite old: You are going to discover some new piece of wisdom and think to yourself, “How the hell did I manage to survive this long on the planet without knowing that?!”
Not long ago, I was standing in the hosiery section of a department store, reluctant to invest quite that much money in a pair of fancy tights that might not last very long, when the woman who worked there said, “You know how to stop your tights snagging, right? Once you’ve put them on, smear a little body lotion over them. It reduces static and eliminates pulls.” And I thought, “How did I not know this yet?!” I’ve been telling people about it ever since. Honest, it really works.
Let me tell you some other top tips I’ve worked out over the last 50 years, so that you don’t have to wait that long ...
Every home should have a glue gun, a hammer and two kinds of screwdrivers (flathead and Phillips), plus a pair of pliers. There are very few things that can’t be fixed with some combination of these tools. I also believe that if you have to call in a tradesperson, having a few of your own tools lying about suggests to them you probably know which way is up and they won’t charge you like you’re a fool.
There are simple things that make you feel good about yourself. Now and then buy yourself a really nice cake of soap. There’s something great about showering every morning with something luxurious, like you’re someone special.
Even on the days you really can’t be arsed with housework, always treat yourself to a clean hand basin and toilet, and a well-made bed. You did it, but it makes you feel like you have someone taking care of you.
Apply sunscreen before you leave the house and while you’re nude. This avoids getting those weird sunburn marks near the edges of your togs or clothing. It also reduces the chance of skin cancer. Win-win. And don’t forget the backs of your legs – pretend you’re moisturising your tights and rub it all over.
Always travel with a cotton scarf that a) will keep you warm, b) act as a sunshade and c) keep you cool (if it’s over 30 degrees, wet it and drape it round your neck). Never open a tube of anything on a plane – cabin pressure makes it squirt everywhere as soon as you take the cap off. In which case, you can d) wear the scarf to cover the stain.
If you’re staying in a hotel when the bedside alarm goes off and you can’t work out how to stop it, put the clock in the fridge. Fridges are remarkably soundproof.
At home, wash your make-up brushes once a week in diluted shampoo or wool wash. Always carry tweezers, but never pluck your eyebrows when you’re drunk. The best light is in your car’s rear-vision mirror. Wait for a traffic jam or, better still, when you’re parked in your driveway.
Twice a year, take everything out of your wardrobe and drawers, and throw it all on that wellmade bed. Then only put back the things that make you feel good about who you are. Wash everything else, fold it nicely and donate it to charity. That way you also give someone else a chance to feel good about who they are. Which is another win-win.