A date with Sarah-Kate; Kate’s home truths

A celeb summer in the sun has Sarah-Kate dreaming

It’s not very often that I want to be a top international celebrity. Aside from the financial benefits, mostly it looks like it sucks. Imagine not being able to go to the dairy with bird’s-nest hair and yesterday’s make-up for fear of winding up on a billboard somewhere with loo paper trailing from your Uggs?!

Worse, you can’t even whinge about being in the public eye because that’s how you get famous in the first place – and nobody likes a million-dollar whinger.

No, for most of the year, I’m perfectly happy being me and don’t want to be in celebrity shoes at all. Then I find myself looking out into the cold, grey winter gloom at the exact time all the celebs seem to be swanning around the sun spots of the world and I allow myself a small, anguished “Why them and not me?”

This year, the fabulous folk have been driving me wild by flaunting their curves, skimpy bikinis and ample cleavages in places I’ve never been to but now desperately want to visit. Like, tomorrow.

Leonardo DiCaprio and his toygirl model were in Corsica, a French island in the Mediterranean I’d never even noticed before. Turns out it’s all but joined to Sardinia, a bigger Italian island where Ricky Martin had a fine old time displaying his washboard abs with his husband aboard a luxury yacht.

I wonder if he bumped into Rita Ora, who was baring almost all while on another luxury yacht in the same place? Or if they partied with actress Michelle Rodriguez as she soaked up the sun in an eenie weenie bikini tootling around the same island? At least I’ve heard of Sardinia.

Heidi Klum and her young buck made a big splash in Ponza. Also Italian. On another luxury yacht. Who knew Italy had so many islands surrounded by so many luxury yachts?

Meg Ryan’s been spotted swimming in the waters near Portofino, while Jennifer Lopez was ’gramming her hardcore workouts aboard another fancy-looking gin palace. OK, she kind of lost me with the chin-ups. In my world, when you go on holiday, you leave your gym shoes at home and go full throttle at the smorgasbord.

But Elton John didn’t look too athletic as he relaxed off the French coast near Cannes, although his husband and kids looked to be having heaps of fun jumping off their floating castle into the sea.

And Jamie Dornan must’ve turned 50 shades of sunburnt after his romantic, shirtless boat trip around the isle of Capri. I have pants named after that island. I should have got there before him.

Over on our side of the world, Salma Hayek’s been sizzling in Bora Bora, singer Halsey showed off a peachy derrière in Hawaii, the Beckhams were in Indonesia at a resort that costs $10,000 a night and Lady Gaga’s been getting down with Princess Charlene of Monaco on the private island of Tetiaroa, wherever that is.

You know, for two weeks, I reckon I could handle it.