Life after trauma
Quin Selina relives the terrible day her mum was murdered
Ihad been staying with Mum for a few days at Stanmore Bay, where she was living with our nana after escaping Gary. He had been violent with her for years and had abused me.
I had just left my daughter Emma’s father and I rang Nana and said I was coming to stay for a couple of days.
From there, everything happened so quickly. I had been in bed when Mum arrived home and then I heard the shots. Nana wouldn’t let us kids out of the house because we didn’t know if Gary was still alive.
I went down the steps outside. I saw him and I saw Mum. He was really dark – spiritually a black presence. They were both dead. I looked down at Mum. She had half her face blown off, but I didn’t see that. I only saw Mum.
It was like I was in a big, black hole. I was numb. I remember not being able to cry but at the same time, I wanted to find something to relieve the pain. I wanted alcohol; a cigarette. The police came, but we were left to deal with the aftermath on our own. There was no such thing as Victim Support in those days. I was only 16 and we were kept in the dark about what was happening with Mum’s funeral. And I had Emma’s father trying to get me back.
For the next few years, I went down a destructive path. Eighteen months after Mum died, I lost custody of Emma.
I did go to counselling once. My dad took me to see a lady, but I couldn’t sit there going, “Blah, blah, blah,” while this
woman was just sitting across from me going, “OK.” It didn’t give me any benefit. I decided to figure it out for myself and somehow I did.
When we turned 21, we all gained access to a small trust fund. I had enough to get myself a car and put a little deposit on a house. I always said I wanted my own security and I got that then. My cousin Heather Menzies lived down the road, and I was able to go to her and she would help me look after my family. The children kept me going then.
I’d always been very good with my intuition, but that was taken away that horrible day. I went to the Assemblies of God when I was 16 with my aunty Ruth and saw the Holy Spirit and got baptised. I needed to do that at the time because there was evil swirling around. I’ve also tried to read self-help books, but they don’t work for me.
To get better, I needed to work things out for myself, and I’ve always had my sisters, Leeann, Lisa, Deborah and Shirlene, and brother Sam to talk to. We still speak every day. If I lost that unity we have, I don’t know what would happen. It’s different
for Sam, but he’s still part of us, even when he lives overseas. We still talk.
I’m living every day the best I can, but I’m still affected by Mum’s death and the abuse I suffered. People were too quick to pass judgement and that affected me. My feelings have been cut off. I’m not a touchy, cuddly, lovey type of person. I’m so protective of myself, I find it very difficult to bring that love out and show that love.
Now that I’m in my 50s, I’m slowly working on bringing back my intuition and my spiritual side.
I recently sold up in Auckland and moved to Whangarei with my husband. I find being on my own in nature beautiful. This is how I am now. It’s all about peace of mind. I’m a survivor, I’m recovering, I feel freedom.
Se lin a is married to Mike Erkkila.S he has four children, Emma, Dylan, Tyler and Matthew, and is a grandmother of six. She recently left her job working as an Air New Zealand lounge hosttomovenorth.