RE: ON THE PLIGHT OF DIVORCED MUSLIM WOMEN
Last week, one Mairo Mamman wrote in and discussed this lamentable topic on the plight of divorced Muslim women which has, as expected, elicited numerous reactions from a number of people - women and men alike. Some have written direct to Mairo, and some to the Column. Among those sent here, two stand out - the one from Women’s Rights Advancement and Protection Alternative (WRAPA) and another from a certain Binta Labbo Dankware, who actually asked to continue the series started by Mairo.
An gaisheka! WRAPA acknowledges your sustained advocacy in favour of women and sound family life practices and values. We are right now [last Saturday] in Zaria working on the Kano State Draft Muslim Personal Code (Daftarin Dokar Jihar Kano ta Zamantakewa Da Rayuwar Iyali a Shari’ar Musulunci). This is under the auspices of the Committee on Social Reforms set up by Mai Martaba Sarkin Kano Muhammad Sanusi II. Your article is therefore apt to some of the issues in discourse. Thanks and more ink to you pen!
I must confess I enjoyed every bit of Mairo’s write-up. It’s about time people start writing about the plight of women from all angles. I believe Mairo only stopped at No. 6 because of space constraints but, certainly, more and more important points can be cited beyond where she stopped. Anyway, thank you so much for the opportunity, for it will surely lift the spirits of lots of divorced women. Reading it felt like the inner voice of a woman speaking, at least for me. You can’t imagine the stories that women are bottling up. We appreciate you a lot for caring and also for believing in us.
There isn’t a living being that the religion of Islam has given an utmost protection more than a woman, who is supposed to be taken care of at every phase of her life - by her parents when young and helpless, by her husband when she’s of age and is married off, and lastly by her children when she is aged and helpless. Despite these Allah-provided protections, a woman is often ill-treated by males, and increasingly by other females, related and unrelated. Permit me, Mairo, to continue from where you stopped in your submission:
Sadly, many mothers of divorced women are also not helping matters. A friend of mine who was divorced a few years ago and now lives with her parents told me that her own mother maltreats her by always complaining whenever she (the daughter) wants to utilise the family car and driver. The mother would keep calling from wherever, that she also wants to go out, and that the daughter shouldn’t use the car - in clear terms the daughter isn’t welcome, let alone trusted. Behind the daughter’s back, the mother would sometimes ask the driver the places he has taken the daughter. Protection is welcome, but the mother overdoes things. Not to mention the mockery and the bakaken maganganu coming from the mother’s mouth for any slight mistake the daughter makes. Who needs a co-wife when one has such a mother!
Ninety five percent of a divorced woman’s suitors are fake, and they would try everything in their power to persuade her to have illicit relations because, in their silly and vulgar thoughts, they assume it is something she is used to and can’t live without. The most painful part of it is that even her former husband’s friends would not be left out of the ‘chase’. Another predicament is of family members suggesting all sorts of people to one for marriage. Though the ‘suggesters’ usually mean well, if you don’t agree to marry from those suggestions you will be in serious crises with the person that might have made the suggestion.
If a divorced woman is unlucky to go live with her brother, she would be in serious commotion with her brother’s wife who would make her life a living hell. A friend tells me that her brother’s wife never forgets to tell her every tiny mistake that her brother might have made and she (the sisterin-law) was patient about, and would always end the conversation with “kowa da kika gani fa hakuri yake” (everyone you see has to be patient in their husband’s house), indirectly telling my friend that she wasn’t patient enough and that was the reason she is divorced.
Custody of children is one huge problem faced by divorced women. Some men will insist that the children be left in their custody after divorce, only for the children to be maltreated, starved and, in some cases, even abused. I personally will never forget the time I used to take bread and beverages to my former husband’s house for my children every morning before going to work. Their stepmom would not ask their father for it! A friend once told me that she keeps school transport fare for her secondary school-going daughter with her former husband’s neighbour where the girl goes to collect it daily because the father, with whom the daughter lives, doesn’t give her. Imagine what would have happened if some nasty predator had realised what was happening and had taken advantage.
Some men will drag the custody issue to a serious case, not minding what our religion says that “the custody of children is with the woman.” The men make it so difficult for the woman. Her own relatives are in most cases also not helpful, as they will also choose the traditional belief that “yara su koma gidan ubansu,” that the children should be returned to their father. Some relatives do this because they are unwilling to help her fight her battles, keep her children with her, help her start over, give her all the support she needs, get her a place to stay and train her children, empower her, counsel her, tell her it isn’t the end, and so on. I can still recall how my own children were snatched away from me and returned to their father’s relatives by my own elder brother. But alhamdu lillah I stood up for myself, fought my battles myself and got my children back through the help of my mother and other relatives. So painful to remember wallahi.
The worst of all are those men that wouldn’t even make an attempt to fight over custody, but would leave the woman with all the responsibilities. They thus pretend as though the children are not theirs. No maintenance for their own children - no feeding or accommodation or school fees. A niece was divorced in 2001 and was left with the complete responsibilities of all her four children till today. The former husband didn’t care; it is as if though they had all died. Wallahi there is no justice!
Re-marrying with the children is another huge issue for a divorced woman. A woman may have managed to settle down with her kids, and then suitors would start trooping in (as in Eight above). In the long run, she begins to think of remarrying due to social or economic pressures. Because they know most mothers would rather remain unmarried than abandon their children, some men may accept her with the children. But because most things are easier said than done, after the marriage the woman begins to experience some problems of living with a husband who is not the biological father of your children from another marriage. Despite those pains, the woman dares not complain for people on the fence would just start cursing and mocking her that she’s ungrateful to the man that took her in with her kids.
If a divorced woman is unlucky to go live with her brother, she would be in serious commotion with her brother’s wife who would make her life a living hell