RE: PLIGHT OF DIVORCED MUSLIM WOMEN (IV)
Finally, the last in the series of the travails of Divorced Muslim Women. We talked here mostly about educated women only Allah knows what’s happening below the radar. It is our hope that the proposed Kano Family Law (for which this series is hoped to be a ground ‘wetter’) will make a difference not only in Kano but throughout the North. Among today’s contributions, Prof. Aisha Indo Mamman’s ‘The Forgotten Victims of Divorce’ should set us thinking…
Let me borrow your Hausa phrase “Kukan Dadi Ku Ke!” (which I have been told roughly means “Your situation is much better!”). I am a Northern Christian woman and I dare say all these laments by my Muslim sisters pale into insignificance if we were to narrate what happens to us Christian women in the hands of some callous men. It’s worse for us because a woman is not, under any circumstances, supposed to leave her husband’s house even if the man forces her to leave. And if she does leave, she cannot remarry because the marriage is ‘till death do us part’. Some Northern Christian women therefore carry both religious and societal burdens most times, for no fault of theirs. I swear by God there are so many women whose husbands abandoned them and their children, and went on living as though the first family had vanished, and these things happen with the full knowledge of everybody. These despicable pieces of male human trash are not in any way called to order; some even receive chieftaincy titles for being part of their communities’ reputable elders. Imagine! So this societal issue and its consequences cut across religious lines.
I found the series very compelling. The unfortunate phenomena of divorce and widowhood are tragic; while the former is avoidable, the latter is inevitable as life is transient. It is particularly a very sad situation given the abhorrence Allah (Exalted be His Name) attaches to divorce. While it could be argued that some women are often responsible for the deterioration of their marriages, this argument is generally the exception rather than the rule. The attitude of the average male in the North towards the institution of marriage leaves much to be desired. The three pieces have succinctly captured the many troubles divorcees have to contend with. It pains me greatly to see a broken home especially when bewildered children are involved.
Really good but felt rushed; would have preferred more emotional, more detailed. You should all collaborate and write ‘A Divorcee’s Book of Laments’. Pick each story and make it a chapter. It’ll be a bestseller. Another reason I like the submissions is you didn’t dwell on reasons for the divorces, or who is to blame - simply informing other sisters of what to expect and more importantly, that she is not alone.
The series is rich, incisive and articulate. On the children, though our religion gives custody to the woman and her relatives, in today’s economic situation the children may be better off with the father should the mother remarry. At least there’s one parent available, though some stepmoms are something else!
LADY AMINA: Felt like my inner voice speaking to me. The things mentioned had all been experiences for me personally. It’s really a tough and unfair society we live in, and there’s definitely no justification for this. I can never be able to forget the suffering no matter how hard I try to. Sometimes I used to take out the anger on my kids when I become overwhelmed with frustration. Once you’ve been hurt and terrorised by divorce, life is never the same. Women have suffered and are still suffering. Many women stay in marriages only because ‘the outside’ is more wicked. Some divorcees remarry for the same reason - emotional and economic succour. Very sad. We need counselling, empowerment and support.
I will like the contributors to know that their situation deserves understanding and sympathy. Divorce is not something that you wish even on your enemy. Happy-Ever-After is usually the wish for new couples. However, there are some divorcees that do not deserve sympathy and should not be given the platform to espouse their warped and westernised way of doing things. I am not accusing anyone in particular, but I very well know that some ladies are beyond the call to reason!
Thank you all for such insightful write-ups. We are much enlightened. WRAPA should do more on this matter. And yes, blames should be apportioned!(No subject)
I pray and hope these discussions will help us correct societal wrongs. But some of you sisters sounded so harsh. Take it gently. Thank you all for being part of the discussion.
Thank you all so very much for the series. Much as I agree with the adage of “Ciwon mace sai mace” (meaning only females understand the plight of fellow women), permit me to highlight the difficulties experienced by the ‘forgotten victims of divorce’, the children.
Wedding celebrations are rarely observed without prayers for progeny especially in our highly fecund African societies. Celebrants in Hausaland would offer jovial prayers for the ‘clutter in the rooms’ (kazantar daki). Arrival of children always calls for joy in all settings. In the event that babies do not arrive ‘as expected’, family members offer children in support of the couple. It is therefore not uncommon for children to be brought up by Uncles, Aunties and others.
Polygamy readily provides parent-child swap as dictated by the patriarch of the household. This is usually a mechanism to engender unity within the family. Many children do not even know their biological mothers as their step-mothers are on hand to deliver on these duties. For as long as a marriage is stable, so will the children feel secure in it irrespective of whether it is monogamous or polygamous. Marital stability may be tagged child security.
Alas, in line with human character traits, differences are bound to set in. Irreparable differences end up in divorce. While each of the warring parties is busy making an ego-driven point to gain superiority or advantage, no one considers the plight of the children. Weeping or sobbing mothers, together with fathers with scowling faces and the disappearance of any form of cordiality usually marks the beginning of the end of the marriage. Any wrong move by the children is rewarded with some form of punishment, ranging from a soul searing shout, a slap, or some form of misplaced sanction à la children’s judgement.
In Nigeria, a divorce means one of parents is granted custody of the children based on factors like religion, the age of the children, cultural influences, and of course the fighting ability of either parent. The squabbles continue even after the divorce - through the children; any childhood and adolescent prank displayed by children of divorced couples are viewed as a projection of evil perpetuated by the absent parent. The child thus becomes the medium for insulting the absent ex-spouse.
The custody tussle could also mean that children may be living with step-parents. A step-mother is often considered a Jezebel re-incarnate. Since nothing good is expected from her, the child becomes disobedient and ungovernable. For the step-mother, it is a perpetual loss. An attempt at discipline is misconstrued as evil.
Divorcees, male or female, even after separating from the much hated spouse, rarely live happily ever after especially if there are children that are the indicators of a matrimony that failed. The innocent children bear an invisible, incurable, and non-healing scar which they bear through life.