Why do I find it hard to stand up for myself?
Dear Nabila, The thing is, I can’t stand up for myself, I always look down and doubt myself and my abilities. I’m too scared of certain things and always worried about losing or failing and all this is pulling me down and making me feel low all the time. Please what is causing this and what is the cure for it? Because I want to improve my life and feel better about myself.
-Trying to change
Dear Trying,
The first step is to find out the root cause of all these negative traits you mentioned; some of the root causes of low self-esteem in young people include poor academic performance; dropping out of school; early sexual activity; absent or negligent parenting; criminal behavior; alcohol and drug abuse and disordered eating habbits, etc.
The first remedy is to search deeply inward and find the main culprit that’s wreaking havoc to your self-esteem, when you identify it, the next step is to absolve yourself from it, wash it away from your mind by rationalizing it like this: ‘Whatever happens in my life is meant to happen, I cannot escape it no matter what I do, it’s part of my destiny; this thing that’s causing me low self-esteem happened in the past and I should leave it there, it has no place in my present or future life as it’s beneficial to me rather it is sabotaging my happiness and wellbeing, why should I keep allowing it to affect my life to this extent?
When you are done rationalizing and absolving yourself from the root cause of all these negative traits, the next steps is to take these negative traits one after the other and cure it, correct it or delete it completely from your mind; as follows:
You can’t stand up for yourself: Why? Is it because you don’t believe in yourself and your abilities? How can you stand up for something you don’t believe in? Do you believe in yourself? Do you believe in your morals, your values and character?
Maybe You don’t stand up for yourself because you hate confrontation? But you should realize that positive self-esteem, self-worth and self-image is more important for your life and wellbeing than avoiding confrontation; saying exactly what is on your mind concerning some issues will take a huge burden off your shoulders and increase your self-confidence. Letting people walk all over you can increase your stress and anxiety levels, and will eventually lessen your feelings of self-worth.
And if it’s because you fear what people will think or say about you, then you should know that it’s immensely impossible to please people at all times, the best thing for you is to please yourself in a right and harmless way.
You always look down on and doubt yourself and your abilities: This is because you never give yourself opportunity to prove yourself and your unique capabilities, you let the negative thoughts of doubt and fear ran amok in your mind, and you keep feeding and empowering your doubts and fears every time you followed their advices and instructions.
How to correct this is first, you have to dilute your self-doubt through the trick of doubting the doubt, that’s whenever you hear the doubting negative voice in your head telling you that you can’t do this, it will not work out, people will laugh at you, etc., say the opposite of that doubt immediately and you will neutralize it, then go ahead and prove that doubt wrong by engaging in whatever it’s trying to prevent you from doing. Van Gogh is reported to have said: “If you hear a voice within you say ‘You cannot paint,’ then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced.”
You are scared and worried about failing: It’s normal to feel scared when starting something new especially one that is out of your normal comfort zone, but it shouldn’t be too much that it prevents you from performing that very thing or achieving that particular purpose, as failure is part of success, in fact failure is what adorned success, its meant to teach you what to do and what not to do, it shows you the best way of doing things so when the success finally arrives, it will be a beautiful success because of all the many failures.
And it is better to try and fail than not to have tried at all, if you didn’t try you wouldn’t know if you will fail or succeed, letting the fear of failure keep you away from achieving your dreams is sacrificing the joy of success and of seeing your dreams actually materialize.
Below are some tools that you can employ to help you get rid of all your negative traits and increases your self-confidence:
Write all your good and praise worthy habits, all the good things you have ever done in your life, write especially, the things you have done that you are proud of, this will give you a clear picture about the best part of you which is being blocked from your view due to constant negative thoughts and self-criticism.
Be transparent and authentic, always express yourself vocally and clearly, no one can read your mind if you cannot say exactly what is on your mind.
Start practicing to broaden your self-confidence bit by bit until you reach that level you are comfortable with.
Start journaling, write down all your fears and self-doubt in your journal, taking it out of your mind will give it less power over you and will declutter your mind.
Practice a lot of self-care activities such as enjoying your hobbies, find new hobbies, daily playing sports such as horse riding, football, etc., will refresh your mind and boost your feel good hormones so you will worry less, and have more confidence. Martial art is also known to boost self-confidence.