Sai Mama as inner kitchen wailer

- These foreign reporters, the damage they do to this nation are ginormous. The CNN reporter returned to proof that our budget minister like Sesame Street’s Gary Gnou, cannot count correctly. Now, the Beeb won’t bulge on airing Sai Mama’s interview that could cost her, her office? Who invited them? - Well…we don’t really know. You leave your own medium that could be dictated to; go after independent-minded reporters and then want to gag or teleguide them; it won’t work.

- Would they air an interview that is likely to put the Queen or Theresa May in jeopardy?

Thanks for asking, they will. Remember it was the Beeb’s report that exposed war criminal Tony Blair’s dodgy dossier. Yes, it was. These dogs bark and even bite their owners. But what is this interview about anyway.

- Those who have heard snippets of it said the woman is afraid that the 15 million people on whose votes Sai Baba rolled into Camp Buhari could turn round and stone him.

You mean like the Sunnis are stoning the Shia?

- Abeg, that is a sensitive one, I don’t want to go there.

What could she have said that could be worse than the killings? Or is she criticizing the release of the Chibok girls?

- No, the interview was conducted before that event. But what do you make of…let me frame it another way; do you think a wife should criticize her husband in public when she has the ultimate power to whisper in his ears in the midnight hour?

Well, it depends. Some men are hardly available in the midnight hour, flying all over the place like witches that when they return, they are too jetlagged and must be dragged to mundane tasks to give the impression of being busy. In Africa, when a wife openly criticizes her husband, she is ruing the lack of attention. - Eh-hen? Oh yes. In that case, she is ready to damn the consequences. It’s like committing conjugal hara-kiri or marital seppuku, because the husband could decide to put a padlock on the adjoining bedroom door or pronounce the first talaq. - Astagafirullah! Sai Mama has expressed worry that her husband refused to settle those who worked for him but has been hijacked by the inconnu or the unknown elements.

- Well, Sai Baba’s former security aides have said worse things. She’s unhappy that they’re not paying homage to the Madam of the house.

But from the First Wife of a northern Muslim leader, it’s almost unheard of. I didn’t hear it, but those who did (and they are in the majority) are worried that APC aliens have kidnapped her man and she wants him back. This is serious fa!

- Well, I think it’s an open secret that most of appointees have been complaining very loudly that they have no access to him.

And what have they done about it?

- Well, they are hoping that an angel of access would bring the magic key.

That explains the dynamic inactivity of this government. But wait, why wouldn’t they resign and go pursue other business?

Which other business pays you a fat salary, gives you armed escorts; express visa to most parts of the world; foreign currency that with prudence makes you a millionaire? I tell you Dangote would trade places with these ones.

- It’s lack of principle. You were something before you were appointed, so go back to what you were.

Some people were nothing before they were appointed. They cannot build something on nothing. They prefer to stay in, keep their salaries and be answering to empty titles. At the end, they get their pensions and the nuisance value that enables them to negotiate something better for themselves.

- Tell Sai Mama that nobody stones a president’s convoy and lives to tell the story. She should draw a lesson from the Shia, for confronting a general, they are now marked specie in Naija, if armed men don’t shoot them, street urchins kill them. O serious o. - Oh yes. And talking about resignations, did you read Peter Obi’s right hand man threatening to ‘open book’ on him? That’s it. They stay in, take all the insults and later wash their hands clean of any misdemeanor. If Jibrin had continued as chairman of whatever committee he was given, do you think he would have known that Dogara is a bad boy? My friend, you only complain after losing out.

What do you think would be the end of this Sai Mama’s outburst?

- Nothing. I bet Femi Adeshina cannot call his boss’ wife an Inner Kitchen Wailer.

I double dare him. Maybe she’s just marginalized, I mean, which woman wants to sit idly by while her husband junkets all over the globe? They should find work for her, and appointees should breeze in and pay homage or else… - Or else what? Excuse me, but I need to go to the washroom.