A letter to my dear Buhari

PDearest General, lease refer to my last letter from two weeks ago to which, sadly there has been no reply. It was Valentines and I really hoped that we could spend the time together, even if it was by Skype. I know you are not big on technology but I thought you would at least try. I have been thinking of this but I have come to the conclusion that Valentine is a Western, even pagan celebration and I can understand if, being a believer, you want nothing to do with that.

However, our love is still in need of fixing. We cannot carry on like this, you talking to everyone around me but not me, especially as we are now for all intents and purposes in a long distance relationship.

One of the holy books says, Love never fails. And that is why I persist, writing you, even though you have refused to speak to me. I believe in our love. However I want us to get one thing out of the way. You have spent all this time with London, two months you have been in her home, waking up, taking your bath, eating, taking off your clothes for medical and other procedures.

I have never doubted your loyalty but now I really have to ask this question: Are you having an affair? Is that why you are ashamed to speak to me even though all our mutual friends assure me you are fine?

Look, I am not a child. I am not naive. I know that with distance, affairs are a possibility. You are a child of God but you are human.

Even a 74-year-old has his needs. I recognize that. And that is why I insist that you tell me so that we can work things out. It is not as if I have not been tempted myself. Love endures all things. We can get better.

I can try to please you better. Just Skype me and I promise I will put this affair behind me and carry on loving you.

You remember Odysseus and Penelope in Greek mythology? I know that is for pagans, but there are lessons to be learnt there. I am like Penelope and you are like Odysseus. You have gone on a long long journey and now that no one knows when or if you will return, men have started filing in to take your place.

They woo me and tell me how things can be so much better without you. Your deputy, the one who couldn’t even speak in your presence is now walking around, doing things trying to impress me.

Things we couldn’t do together since we fell in love, he is doing them. And people are praising him and hinting to me, if he wouldn’t make a great replacement.

“See how much he has done since your man disappeared,” they tell me. First off, he is a short man and you know I have a thing for tall men. Yes he has achieved much and is now very vocal in your absence but it is only you who makes my blood boil.

It is only you that I chose. Second, he wears dark colours and I love a man who knows how to wear white, like you. However, I am human. If he continues doing these good things I cannot say for how long I can wait for you. He is doing things we could not achieve together. Things you promised you would do. I have to justify to myself why I am waiting for you. I need you to tell me why. Why should I keep waiting for you my dear? Because while love is great and all, sometimes, love is not enough. I am like Penelope but I am not as strong as she was. I am not magic.

I can bleed. I can break. I need you to tell me not to break.

Now every time someone looks for the man of the house, your deputy shows up. He talks to me more than you spoke to me. I am not comparing, but facts are facts. People, foreigners are asking me, mockingly: Where is your man Penelope? Give me the words bubu. Give me the words to respond to my attackers. Show me I did not make a mistake choosing you over all others.

Don’t mock me by speaking to strangers and not speaking to me. Give me a reason not to go with your deputy and move on.

Ps. The thieves in your house are still there. The man who took our money to cut the grass and didnt do it. And the thief who was in charge of your flights. I hope you will return, take charge and rid our house of these filthy men.

Yours lovingly, Where is your man Penelope? Give me the words bubu. Give me the words to respond to my attackers. Show me I did not make a mistake choosing you over all others. Don’t mock me by speaking to strangers and not speaking to me. Give me a reason not to go with your deputy and move on