Now that you are back

IDearest Buhari, f you hear your ears ringing it is the sound of me crying out in jubilation at your return. If you feel tremors beneath your feet it is me pounding the ground with my feet in a happy dance. If you hear uncomfortable squeaky sounds it is me, moving things around in the other room as you settle in this weekend. Thank you for being by my letters and for coming home.

You have to forgive me. I was being selfish and thinking you no longer loved me. I even accused you of cheating on me, with London, with King Mohammed of Morocco and even Trump. Your people swore to God that you were hale and hearty and just resting. They swore you were not very ill. But after reading what you said upon arrival I feel bad. You said you were taking lots of drugs and got blood transfusions. You even said that since your days as a young man you had never been this ill. You see, they lied to me. If I had known you were so ill, I would have come to take care of you in London. I would have cooked for you, wiped you clean. I would have been patient. Why did they tell me you were hale and hearty? I know why. They want us to break up. They want to destroy our love and drive a wedge between us. But the devil is a liar. Now that I know that you were very ill, I will understand if you have to go back to London for treatment.

I know we can’t resume our relationship like it was before because you have to rest and all. I am patient. Your deputy will take care of the house this weekend while I watch you and take care of you. Some wicked people are suggesting that if, even after your return you still need your deputy to take care of the house while you rest may be I should look for another lover, especially as I am still young and healthy. They say that it is not your birthright to be head of this house. They point to Europe and America and say that if we were there you would have just retired and asked me to find a younger healthier person. I just want to say that you should not allow any of that talk bother you. I am here for you because I know that you came back for me.

The house has been suffering recession and really some of your houseboys have gone wild and crazy, but I know that you suffered more than we did while you were in London. Especially the food. We both know that one of the main reasons why the British thought it necessary to violently invade 25 per cent of the world is that they could not bear the thought of one more year with their own horrible food and weather. And to think you spent almost two months there. I hope you were able to get some edible Halal food. No wonder you lost so much weight. The illnesses are bad enough, then add tasteless meals to that. No. Your suffering was greater than ours.

If you ask me the next time you have to go back to London, we should go together and pack some soup ingredients so I can cook for you in London. But if you just want to rest without me, i understand. In that case I would recommend that you travel with one cook from Abuja. I know some have suggested that you build hospitals that you can feel confident enough to attend here in Nigeria, but sometimes the body needs that feeling of traveling abroad to respond to treatment. Also those people speaking are just haters who wish you ill anyway. It is not your fault that we do not have stable electricity. Do they want electricity to go off while you are doing a medical procedure? They wish you evil, those people.

Meanwhile, now that you are back, I will make a list of all the people who must have skipped your mind, including the grass cutter who is really bringing shame to our house. Not just the size of his belly but the fact that he diverted our money and everyone thinks he is a thief.

Also, can we talk about how all your workers just think they can use our security guards like their personal property? I thought they were professionals. We cannot have workers who have private disputes with their lovers, then use our security guards to settle it.

Let me take hot water into the bathroom for you. I know you have a hot shower but we both know that it is more romantic for me to put water on the fire for you. Also, what if there is no electricity. Take your time in the shower and call out if you need me.

I trust that now that you are back we will resume communicating like the happy couple that we are and that you will not allow your uncle or whoever is around you come between us again.

Yours forever