Kidnapping, holy dollars and state police

TDearest Buhari, he past month has been full of talk of restructuring. Suddenly politicians are singing or denouncing the word. Now that you are away all the mice are out to play. Hearing that word has made me think of our relationship. I think it needs restructuring to be honest. I think we should work out a visiting plan. I am only one flight away from you and really there is no reason why I cannot fly to see you. Sometimes this long distance relationship gets to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I will keep fighting for and believing in our love, but we have to talk about who does what, how often we see each other, whether we should let go, just let the deputy actually run the house so that we can focus on our love. Think about it.

So I hear some governors have been meeting to talk about state police. Me I like the idea. Why should governors have to suffer to get the police to help them during elections, why should they be subject to federal control when they need the police to do important things like arrest those evil people who write about them on Facebook and in the papers. Sometimes you just need to arrest people easily and harass them without the police having to answer to someone in Abuja. Also, once the governors have state police they can do nice things like stop people they don’t like from entering their state. Like if you give that short governor state police, he can finally get rid of that other man with the afro who annoys him from time to time, get rid of those columnists he hates, and just wipe out the Shiites completely. Very useful. I think they should hurry up and get this state police before the 2019 elections. It will come in handy then.

My darling now that kidnapping is the new and most lucrative form of entrepreneurship, I think we should start saving in case we get kidnapped. I trust that the Nigerian police can safely get the ransom to the kidnappers. They have shown how efficient they are in this regard. Remember Falae? They even sent a car to pick him up after the ransom was paid. I love how efficient the Nigerian

Why should governors have to suffer to get the police to help them during elections, why should they be subject to federal control when they need the police to do important things like arrest those evil people who write about them on Facebook and in the papers

police are. Also it is good for us to have our kidnap kit handy so that while negotiations are going on with the kidnappers we do not get bored. Nothing is worse than boredom. We need to have board games, novels, (I wanted to say podcasts but the problem is they may not allow us to have internet or even our mobile devices) maybe skipping rope and definitely pen and paper. I think that we must commend the kidnappers for being so professional so far. They are not like the ones in Mexico that will take your money and still kill you in the end. Maybe that is why the Nigerian police just allow them to conduct their business peacefully. Except for the ones who become stubborn and greedy and refuse to share their loot. Like that Evans who collected 1 million dollars from up to three people. Haba. How can you be so greedy? After the second 1 million dollars you should retire, join a church or mosque, pay tithe or give zakat, then maybe join politics. This is how other sensible people do it. Do the former drug dealers who stopped pushing drugs abroad, came back and became influential political leaders have two heads? But no, Evans wanted it all. Anyway, good thing kidnapping is back to normal without that greedy one.

Did you hear them talk about this Made in Nigeria thing? They say all music videos and films must be shot in Nigeria. I agree with them except that I don’t know how we will shoot the documentary about you which I am planning. I was going to do a little film set in London about you that sort of talks about your work and our love. To tell the history of your work since you started leading this house, one has to shoot in London. I will see if we can get them to add exceptions to that regulation. Because getting medical treatment and sending ones kids abroad to school is not the same as going to shoot a music video abroad. One is good. The other is not.

I hear the Senate wants to give pilgrims dollars at 200 Naira to the dollar. This makes a lot of sense seeing as God has punished us with meningitis and floods for our fornication recently. I think we should give pilgrims cheap dollars instead of those wanting to do business. Nothing is more important than prayers. We need to wash away our sins and those of our children and lovers. We don’t want God to just get angry and just close Nigeria once and for all. I miss you. WhatsApp me soon? Yours always, Elnathan John