Running (II)
Dearest Buhari,
What a masterstroke! All those jobless people in the National Assembly who only know how to dance, sleep with (on tape sometimes) with young girls or make music videos decided to threaten you with impeachment whereupon you ended all such conversation by doing a thing even a South Western president couldn’t do. Declare MKO Abiola the winner of the 1993 elections and give Gani posthumous honors. It is hard to fight with that. That is already one million votes for us right there. All I need to do is add your face to my poster and I am home free. A vote for me is a vote for you.
The thing is, people are busy saying you had political motives behind deciding to honour MKO Abiola and my response to them is, before nko? Is it emotional or romantic motives you will use? Abi financial? Wasn’t MKO doing politics. So it is fine if your motives are political.
As I run for president my dear, (just in case you forgot, you said it was ok for me to run and that you would pull out at the last moment to help me seal the win) I think I should focus on these people in the National Assembly. They can be a thorn in one’s flesh. I think I will ban the production, and involvement in music videos for senators and legislators. Perhaps then they can focus. Because singing and dancing is a full time job which is hard to combine with making laws and being responsible politicians.
I also think we should give guidelines for corruption. Any politician who wants to steal money must first, support our election, then return at least some part of the money. Otherwise, we just withdraw their security detail. You know how those people are addicted to their orderlies with guns. They have underperformed and destroyed the country so much that one of the worst things you can do to them is to withdraw their police officers. There are not many countries where every ordinary legislator has armed guards. But our people need it. Because we need to protect them from the people they have impoverished.
I want to close down NNPC my dear. I know this is controversial so I will not mention it in my campaign. It is one of the biggest enablers of open theft in the country, from large amounts of money going missing to money not being remitted to the Federation Account. I feel like we should close it down and make it illegal for anyone to mention the name for the next 50 years. Yes it is necessary oh, because if we close it down, superstitious Nigerians will begin to name their children NNPC so that the money can rub off on them. I think we should just do it when we win. Just open the market, deregulate fully, privatise NNPC and let us see if they can survive long enough to pay salaries for one year. But shhhh. Don’t tell anyone.
Have you thought of what to do with Babachir and his corruption allegations? Me I think we should sacrifice him at the last minute to flip the votes. Just when the other parties are accusing us of cronyism we just announce that he has been arrested and arrange for the trial to be done expedited. Maybe use one of those judges friendly to us in Abuja to send him to jail very quickly if he is found guilty. That will shut them up and they will forget all the others.
Also, this week is your ex-boss and friend Sani Abacha’s memorial. It is so sweet how you often fondly remember him for doing things like building roads which if you think of it is such a great thing, so great that we can forgive the rumours and allegations of people being murdered. Also, it is great that in the same time period that you declare Abacha a good road builder, you honor MKO Abiola and Gani. Then add Kingibe to it. Shows how diverse you are, how non-discriminatory you are. How loving. How forgiving.
So I read a report where Obasanjo said you were trying to jail him. Is it true? If you indeed have any evidence to jail him for, like corruption I think he will do well in jail, seeing as he has been there before and is a born again like the former Plateau governor Jonah Jang who said that while he was in his jail cell he was preaching to his cell mates. Maybe it will do the prison good. I mean not for a long time, just enough time to preach to the inmates.
Ps. My weekly reminder: Please think of the Shiite man who is still in prison, whose children and followers we massacred and buried in Kaduna. It is never too late to do the right thing. It is 2018. We need good karma for our 2019 re-election. Release him, his wife and his people. Or conduct a fair and open trial. Then we can even use it to score political points like we did with MKO and Gani. Hugs.
Yours until 2023 and forever