Jaafar Jaafar’s burden

It’s a known secret that journalists are ever jealous of politricians. Overworked, grossly underpaid (when paid at all), they blow grammar everywhere and convince themselves that they are the conscience of the masses. Of course, that’s a lie. The masses don’t need conscience, they need dollars, and because dollars are not their portion, they get by with Naira or a bit of stomach infrastructure.

Thank heavens that politricians are usually more magnanimous in victory. They hire some journalists to help launder their image. If the journalist does as he’s told, he becomes a chief press secretary or a media adviser. The very big ones become heads of government megaphones. Further loyalty means they could be allowed to join the ruining ranks. Outside of these journalists are doomed to a life of poverty and penury for lying to themselves.

My good friend and colleague, Jaafar Jaafar thinks he could write himself to the heart of the people by broadcasting a sting operation on Kano people’s governor, Abdullahi Umar Ganduje. Ganduje is the only governor with the joker guaranteed to deliver Sai Baba’s re-election. People like Jaafar think that nobody has the capacity to deliver en block votes. Such thinking is as a result of reading that fake pamphlet called the Constitution. It’s preamble lies against the rest of us when it says - we the people when Naija people have said nothing. Naija people have never agreed on anything that is not forced on them.

So these Aremeyaw-style videos are flying around. Naija people are not swayed by videos except they feature Davido romancing his babe. A video of a Naija governor taking his dollarized reward on earth is normal. It only shows the untapped ingenuity of our tailors in designing our national costumes. When the Naija tailor fashioned the babar riga, he was thinking of something to cover more than people’s nakedness. In other climes, handbags are fashion accessories, not at Naija owambe parties where some ladies store enough goodies to last a lifetime.

Farouk Lawan of the ancient Integrity Group, used his ‘integrity cap’ judiciously to store dollars. Before him, Nasir el-Rufai accused Jonathan Zwingina and Ibrahim Mantu of demanding a huge cut to clear him as a federal minister. Zwingina is a Christian while Mantu is a Muslim convert - a balanced equation. The case died before the arrival of the famous Apple watch. Apparently the bow and go culture is worth a sum. Under Obj, aka the Wizard of Ota, Ghali Umar Na’abba sprayed money on the mace. We stopped teaching history in schools because what it reflects is not a good legacy for political actors.

Americans once attempted to force Naija to take action by releasing the details of the so-called Halliburton Scandal. They thought that having tried and jailed their own citizens involved in the scandal, Naija, which borrowed its constitution from America without paying royalties, would take action. We didn’t. Even when we found Ibori, we were too weak to hurt a godfather.

Obono Obla gained admission to the University of Jos with someone else’s JAMB score but sits over an anti-corruption committee designed to hurt anyone else. The Commander of Integrity who appointed him had his school certificate result eaten by termites at the Army Records. That was before they infested Aso Rock. Who knows what else they have eaten.

Kemi Adeosun entered into our psyche with her Cockney accent. She headed our economic team with a fake NYSC discharge certificate. Journalists believed they had her. She rode through the storm until she got tired of the heckling, then sashayed into a nearby airport and returned to her‘original’ country. The skies are still blue.

The press made a fuss about Minister Adebayo Shittu not serving his nation. Minister Shittu, a trained lawyer has not denied the story. He invented his own interpretation of service and filed a request to higher courts to have it adopted as state policy. Meanwhile he keeps his job.

The Naija press was obsessed with Grasscutter David Babachir Lawal. He remained in office until the heat burnt his seat. To the shame of his detractors, even in retirement he has found job as re-election campaign coordinator. That position guarantees more grasscutting than the moonlighting of an evil servant. It’s a type of retirement benefit that neither retired Naija teachers nor Naija airways staff could ever hope for. David the grasscutter gets his rewards here on earth.

The almajirai of my second home, Kano who are unable to read anything not written in a’jami have pledged their eternal support for Governor Ganduje. As vote banks, they are the joker in the voting game. President Integrity lives for them. It was for them he kicked off his re-election campaign. If Ganduje has done anything bad at all, it will not hit the right ear of our Apostle of Integrity.

Given these odds, I have nothing but pity for Jaafar Jaafar. When the curtains are drawn on the current drama at the Kano State House of Assembly; where is Jaafar gonna run to? For in this country of ours, a rogue NUJ chapter is bound to bestow its Integrity in Governance Award on Governor Ganduje. Last week, Bayo Onanuga pointed the way. A repented critic, Onanuga garlanded Ganduje as the only governor to set up an anti-corruption agency. It is unforeseeable that Ganduje would be on trial in his own court.