Encountering life in parenting
My book, “THE DREAM OF MY PARENTS” was written to mark the silver jubilee of my priestly ordination. The contents of the book were captured in prose, drama and poetry. The dream of my parents was that I may grow gracefully and become a person that would put smiles on the faces of others. My parents prayed that I would be content in life. They prayed that I would have enough to take care of my own family and also to take of them. They wished that everybody around me would have peace through the calmness of my heart. Through the oral literature of my parents, I came to discover that my paternal grandparents struggled for the liberation of slaves and he ended up marrying a slave he liberated from the captors. She was the elder of the twin hence she was called Odio. She was called Onaokpella because she came from Okpella where she was captured for sale before Omonokhua rescued her. This woman turned out to be my grandmother. My parents knew the meaning of suffering akin to the passion of our Lord Jesus Christ hence they did not dream of a suffering free world for me. They believed that greatness is attained through suffering and endurance. Through the caring hands of good parents, most children encounter the full meaning of existence and the contents of happiness and true contentment.
When Chris Irekamba requested me to contribute to the Ibru column of the Guardian newspaper that was published on July 12, 2015, his question was like asking me to write my own obituary. Chris asked me to respond on the pages of the Guardian newspaper to this question: “Is it proper to prepare one’s tomb while still alive?” This made me think of this words of Saint Francis de Sales: “Do not look forward in fear to the changes of life; rather look to them with full hope as they arise. God whose very own you are will deliver you from out of them. He has kept you hitherto, and he will lead you safely through all things; and when you cannot stand it, God will bury you in his arms. Do not fear what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting father who cares for you today will take care of you then and every day. He will either shield you from suffering, or will give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace and put aside all anxious thoughts and imagination” (https://www. pinterest.com/pin/351562314637735061)
A good parent is not worried about how the children would bury him. I have written my doctoral dissertation on anthropology and eschatology and this had been published: “Human Life, Here and Hereafter; Eschatology and Anthropology in Judeo-Christian and Etsako Religions.” This book is explored how human beings perceive life, death and burial? It is, however, a research on anthropology and eschatology, so I was not surprised that the Guardian newspaper needed me to research on this same topic. Perhaps Guardian needed to correct some people who live as if life has no end. Those who spend all their time and energy on the acquisition of material wealth without preparing their souls for eternity physically “prepare their tomb while still alive.” This energy should be used to impress on people good memories as if they were being buried in the hearts of those the loved on earth. A good name is an eternal legacy that merits a befitting funeral.
This question concerning burial also touches on good or poor parenting. To bury the dead is an obligation in the traditional society as the last respect. Burial is an opportunity for the children to tell their parents, “thank you for making me to encounter life in reality.” For Christians, to bury the dead is one of the corporal works of mercy. On All Souls Day, November 2 of every year, Christians are encouraged to pray at the tomb of the departed souls. On this day every priest is obliged to say three Masses for the departed souls. In African Traditional Religion, burial is sacred hence some people spend on funerals as much as they could not spend on a living person. In Islam, a dead body is sacred hence it is buried immediately.
Today, it is pertinent to ask some questions about the value of the human person and the dignity of death and burial. This is important because I do not know how many people in the present days of terror and kidnapping are sure of a tomb. Many people are now forgotten in the den of kidnappers. The burial of a kidnapped philanthropist or an elderly person, for example, who was never found, would certainly have attracted many well-wishers. No one ever knows whether such a person is still alive or dead. How many important people can we count whose funerals had been celebrated without their bodies? So many youths have died in the deserts and ocean while running away from their countries in search of greener pastures in Europe and America. Perhaps their graves could be located in the sands of the desert or in the belly of wild animals and fishes. Of what relevance then is the question: “Is it proper to prepare one’s tomb while still alive? What if one dies in a plane crash or shipwreck and the body is not recovered? Who will be buried in such a tomb? In all these enquiries, what stands out is how did the parents prepare the children to take care of them in life to give them a proper burial?
Is it possible to have a foretaste of our funerals? Before the advent of terrorism and kidnapping, the ancestors of Ekperi, Edo State of Nigeria desired to witness their funerals before death. They instituted two festivals Ikpelo and Ibaki for this purpose. Ikpelo means ‘to have a glimpse and move on’ while Ibaki means ‘the complete and perfect market where the fullness of life is achieved’. At sixty, a person is convinced that he is getting close to the age when natural death could come at any time. This age marks the point of looking to the future with celebration akin to the first funeral. At seventy the children celebrate their father by providing everything they would use for the final burial (itolimhi). The person tastes the food, enjoys the dances and sleeps in a well prepared room. This celebration brings home the sons and daughters of the community. Parents are not worried about how they will be buried, if they raised their children properly.
No responsible parent ever thinks of making his own tomb because he is already buried in the loving heart of his children and well-wishers. Human beings deserve to be celebrated while they live on earth. Before others celebrate us, we must begin the celebration by building good relationships. This includes loving and appreciating our parents who enabled us to encounter life in abundance. We need intra-personal dialogue and dialogue with our parents to assert our personal identity. September 8, is unique. It is the birth day of Our Lady, the Blessed Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ and Mother of the Church. This day for the celebration of motherhood is the day I was ordained a Catholic Priest. Every mother and father must form the children to be testimonies of God’s presence in the world. My parents gave me what I needed to be a fulfilled person so I had the capacity to take care of them and when they died, I buried them honourably. May the relationship of all parents with children be grace filled with every blessing.