ETIQUETTE
The Seven Steps to a Sincere and Effective Apology
Apologizing and making amends is part of being more conscious, deepening our understanding, making amends, strengthening our integrity and trustworthiness. Making a sincere apology to someone we love or care about, is our admission and acknowledgement that we have caused hurt or harm, whether intentional or not. An apology doesn’t only focus on the intent, but in taking responsibility for the impact. Thus, taking responsibility is a step towards becoming awake around some of our more hurtful behaviours. Below are some steps of tendering a sincere apology.
· Ask for permission to apologize:
Sometimes, the permission to apologize comes right away, and sometimes it comes after those offended have had a chance to cool off. When they grant you permission (and they will, because they very much want to hear what you have to say), let them know in detail what you are apologizing for. Those offended need to hear from you, what you did, so they know you understand why they are upset.
· Let them know that you realize you hurt them:
Tell them how much you regret what you did, you know it was wrong, and you value their feelings. Express that you wish you could turn back time and change what you said or did. Be careful not to say anything along the lines of “If I hurt you, I am sorry.” Doing so means that you do not understand that you did hurt the person.
· Tell them how you plan to right the situation: Sometimes, it is not possible to right a situation. When it is possible, do everything you can to make it right. When it is not, let the person(s) offended choose the outcome they would like to see.
· Let them know that inherent in your apology, is a promise that you would not do what you did again. Otherwise, what you have offered is not an apology but an excuse.
· After you have talked through things, formally ask them for forgiveness. If what you are asking forgiveness for is something that caused deep hurt, add, “I understand you need time to think about it.” What you do not want to do, is to assume that just because you asked for their forgiveness, they are going to hand it right over to you.
· Following up with a handwritten note: Why? The note is a permanent reminder of your remorse and your promise not to repeat the offense. It also helps you keep your promise because — well, they have it in your handwriting that you will. Think of it as a forgiveness promissory note.
Now, it is time for both parties to go forth and live out their promises: A sincere apology should be given and accepted with the intention of restoring a broken relationship. Sometimes, it takes time for things to get back to the way they were, but they can be even better than the way they were.