HOME The power of ‘giv­ing’ in re­la­tion­ships

Daily Trust - - HOME FRONT - By Chidimma C. Okeke

Many men seem to over­look the power of ‘giv­ing’ in re­la­tion­ships. They con­sider it a safety pre­cau­tion to shy away from it. Lit­tle do they know that giv­ing has a way of mak­ing their part­ners feel ac­cepted, loved, adored and cared for.

When you give to your part­ner or at­tend to her needs, she feels ap­pre­ci­ated and gives you love in re­turn. This lends cre­dence to the say­ing, “When you show a woman 50 per­cent care, she will give you 100 per­cent love.”

When giv­ing in re­la­tion­ship is dis­cussed, money or ma­te­rial items top the list of items to be given how­ever, it ex­tends be­yond that. Though it is im­por­tant, but the abil­ity to take care of a woman re­quires giv­ing her more time, lis­ten­ing to her, re­spect­ing her opin­ion, ap­pre­ci­at­ing her and giv­ing her gifts she never asked for. By do­ing this, win­ning her over and gain­ing her trust would be eas­ier.

Hav­ing a woman around your life does not con­note win­ning her over or gain­ing her love. Ev­ery true re­la­tion­ship must share gifts though it is not enough cri­te­rion to get­ting true love. How­ever to keep a woman, you must have fi­nan­cial in­volve­ment to pro­vide for her needs so she may not be tempted by some­one out­side.

This re­minds me of a case be­tween two broth­ers and a sis­ter in the church on who is the right man to marry the sis­ter brought be­fore the church’s pas­tor .

When Joy ac­cepted the pro­posal of Michael in courtship, she was so happy and thought the is­sue of look­ing for a hus­band is set­tled. Lit­tle did she know that she would one day be sum­moned by her pas­tor to de­fend her­self.

Joy and Michael be­longed to the same group in their church and al­ways get along as friends un­til Michael made his mar­i­tal in­ten­tion known to her. She ac­cepted and they started court­ing.

Ev­ery­thing was mov­ing on fine at least so they thought un­til this quiet and ap­peal­ing brother, Frank came to join the group. He was al­ways calm and pre­sents his opin­ions in an adorable man­ner, and many people were able to warm up to him.

Frank, how­ever, be­come in­ter­ested in Joy, and be­gan to go to her at any given op­por­tu­nity to chat with her. When it was be­com­ing reg­u­lar, she called the at­ten­tion of Michael to it, but he dis­missed her fears and told her that Frank is nice and al­ways friendly.

One day Frank gave her a wrist watch but she asked why and he said: “It is noth­ing just that I like you and the way you carry out your du­ties.” She ac­cepted and told Michael who still dis­carded her fears. Sub­se­quently more gifts kept com­ing from phones, neck­lace, money, and recharge cards.

Michael never saw what Frank was do­ing as a threat and never thought Joy de­served to be given any­thing with­out her ask­ing de­spite his be­ing fi­nan­cially buoy­ant. Their dis­cus­sion was also af­fected be­cause Michael was al­ways dis­cussing his busi­ness and not their re­la­tion­ship as it used to be at the be­gin­ning.

The last straw that broke the camel’s back was on Joys birth­day, by 12a.m. She re­ceived three lovely birth­day mes­sages from Frank , a nice pack­age fol­lowed suit and an in­vi­ta­tion for an out­ing. Noth­ing came from Michael, not even a happy birth­day wish.

Joy called Michael and re­minded him that it is her birth­day and he said he is sorry for not re­mem­ber­ing, “but don’t worry there are more birth­days to come” he said. He never came by nor sent any gift. At this point Joy was be­gin­ning to pon­der on the fu­ture of their re­la­tion­ship, jux­ta­pos­ing what Frank who is a friend is do­ing and Michael who is sup­posed to be a fi­ancé.

Joy de­cided that things are not work­ing fine be­tween her and Michael and quit the re­la­tion­ship. Michael tried to talk her into stay­ing in the re­la­tion­ship but she re­fused. At this point, Frank pro­posed mar­riage to her.

Af­ter giv­ing it a thought, she ac­cepted and that was the rea­son she was sum­moned be­fore her pas­tor to de­fend her­self. The ques­tion is, is she to blame for the failed re­la­tion­ship with Michael or not?

Many re­la­tion­ships would have been saved if most men un­der­stood the power of giv­ing and at­tend­ing to the needs of their part­ner.

For Mercy Agah, a civil ser­vant, re­ceiv­ing a gift from your man makes you feel loved and ap­pre­ci­ated, “It must not re­ally be an ex­pen­sive thing to make you happy. The fact that he re­mem­bers to give you some­thing is what mat­ters and that way you would be proud to tell your friends that my fi­ancé gave this to me,” she said.

“Most men are my­opic and un­civ­i­lized and think that giv­ing in courtship is a risk be­cause most people in courtship may not end up mar­ry­ing, so they would not want to give,” Eucharia Azubuike, a house­wife said.

Ac­cord­ing to He­len Uzor, men no longer give in re­la­tion­ship if they are not sure you will marry them, “Some will say to you ‘how can I take care of you for an­other man to marry?’ These days, you find out that most young men would not give in­stead they will look for a means of col­lect­ing from you, that’s shame­ful,” she stressed.

Re­la­tion­ship coun­sel­lor, James Ojonugwa said ev­ery true re­la­tion­ship must give, share, and ap­pre­ci­ate the act of giv­ing. Giv­ing has a way of weath­er­ing the storms in re­la­tion­ship and mak­ing your part­ner feel loved and cared for.

“Notwith­stand­ing, the gift we share is not only money or items, your abil­ity to for­give is a gift, your abil­ity to en­cour­age your part­ner is a gift, your abil­ity to lis­ten to her talk is a gift and your abil­ity to in­vest your time with her is a gift too, the proof of love is the in­vest­ment of time,” Ojonugwa added.

He said an African man should not be­lieve that giv­ing money to a woman could buy love, “be­cause love does not de­velop in giv­ing money, but how you re­late and at what in­stances you give and your rea­son for giv­ing is what mat­ters.”

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