Wetin blog­gers dey do self?

Daily Trust - - OPINION -

Icould’ve hung up my pen if I didn’t live in cold Canada where the peo­ple are so an­noy­ing. There is ab­so­lutely no rea­son tak­ing Panadol for other peo­ple’s headaches. From time to time, Canada touches the last of my nerves and forces me to re­mem­ber home, sweet home.

A few weeks ago, the gov­ern­ment of Canada erected a mon­u­ment in hon­our of six peo­ple who lost their lives in a ve­hi­cle col­li­sion. In case you didn’t get that, that’s half a dozen peo­ple. Pretty an­noy­ing I could have even paid to pull it down. That same week, dozens were killed in Boko Haram at­tacks but they es­caped Sai Baba’s mourn­ful eyes look­ing up to heaven for the rev­e­la­tion of the next batch of mi­nusters. Cana­di­ans would hon­our a soldier who dies in Afghanistan with a cer­e­mony so en­vi­ous it would make liv­ing com­bat­ants con­sider dy­ing in bat­tle a royal hon­our.

There are stupid peo­ple who still be­lieve that Naija is broke. They would go into the ar­chives and ex­hume re­ports show­ing state gov­ern­ments that could not pay salaries and need fed­eral en­dorse­ment for loans from the World Bank to bail them out. They would re­hash al­ma­ji­rai pic­tures from Kano, Sokoto and any­where else to black­mail per­form­ing gov­er­nors and con­fuse the rest of the world that poverty is a north­erner. They would go to Anam­bra and snap ero­sion sites just to show that there are is­sues more ger­mane to the Igbo than dream­land Bi­afra. They would go to the Naija-Delta home of the likes of Tom­polo, Mama Peace, Mu­ja­heed Asari-Dokubo and Boy­loaf as if Pres­i­dent Jones never made bil­lion­aires of his own kins­men - and women.

Frankly, I think Sai Baba should be mon­i­tor­ing so­cial me­dia. It seems like there are peo­ple hell bent on tar­nish­ing the bad im­age of this na­tion at all costs. I mean, th­ese peo­ple are worse than Nnamdi Kanu and his Ra­dio Bi­afra. They are more out­ra­geous than those overfed Yoruba elders who fariga as Olu Falae, one of their ranks was kid­napped and fleeced by the new John Blame - Fu­lani herds­men. Th­ese elders re­solved to se­cede, even if it meant leav­ing be­hind Yemi Os­in­banjo in Abuja. When all else fails - se­cede.

I am think­ing of se­ced­ing from my chil­dren but I think I will wait un­til the next school fees are de­manded. I will se­cede from my wife the next time she asks me for chop money, and if my sib­lings ever ask me for as­sis­tance of any sort, I will se­cede from con­san­guin­ity and affin­ity. If I ever drive on Naija’s pop­u­la­tion-de­plet­ing roads again, and the po­lice ask wetin I carry, I will se­cede there and then. If the gov­ern­ment ever asks me to pay taxes again just be­cause my chil­dren need their cit­i­zen­ship cer­tifi­cates signed, I will se­cede to any lo­cal gov­ern­ment that does not re­quire in­ter­nally gen­er­ated rev­enue to run things. I am putting you all on no­tice, that I will be wear­ing a se­ces­sion­ist hat if any­body touches my raw nerves.

I strongly rec­om­mend that chil­dren should se­cede from their par­ents any­time they are asked to do dishes or run er­rands. And what more, gov­ern­ment should se­cede from any worker who de­mands to be paid his wages or de­mands a pay raise.

Our coun­try is rich, not just in the silly 34 un­tapped solid min­er­als com­piled by Obi­ageli Ezek­we­sili, but also in stu­pid­ity. Our riches are some­times on dis­play in the worst of places. They are on dis­play in the Lon­don garages of ex-min­is­ters or gov­er­nors. Mobile tele­phone com­pa­nies wan­tonly dis­play our doltish­ness by giv­ing out to the char­ity of their choice - their so-called brand am­bas­sadors; the kind of cars that the most hard­work­ing Cana­di­ans can­not even dream of. There was a time a tele­phone com­pany gave out an air­plane to a teenager. Which other coun­try en­dorses such com­pe­ti­tion?

They do this, while leav­ing ser­vices at the same level they found them in 2004. Need we say that the brand am­bas­sadors are not lo­cal farm­ers, longserv­ing teach­ers, hon­est driv­ers or street sweep­ers? Need we say that th­ese brand am­bas­sadors are never the ha­rassed women by the road­side who raised five unemployed grad­u­ates from her akara busi­ness? To qual­ify as brand am­bas­sador, you have to be a nou­veau-riche artist who climbed into the up­per ech­e­lon of the so­cial lad­der by wax­ing lurid lyrics that de­base wom­an­hood and cor­rode so­ci­etal moral­ity.

Just last week, Linda Ikeji, a hard­work­ing so­cialite and blog­ger ex­hib­ited her N800 mil­lion man­sion in the par­adise called Lekki. This, a year af­ter she bought the lat­est Range Rover in a coun­try where Grade 1 tokunbo car own­ers use reli­gious stick­ers to drive with fear into armed rob­bers. Thank God, Lagos no longer has ghet­toes or area boys. Linda must have paid mil­lions as tax to the Lagos gov­ern­ment to, in the words of my jeal­ous friend Tope Fa­sua, be­come lo­cal ver­sions of Kim Kar­dashian - who­ever that is. I know some of you would love to ask Linda Ikeji - wetin blog­gers dey do self?

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