Why do domestic violence victims stay put?

The most frequently asked question concerning battering situations is why do victims stay in their marriage, or with their abusive partners, despite the abuse?

This, among other questions, troubled social media users recently when in the wake of the New Year a couple of domestic violence victims appeared on different platforms seeking help.

The end of year is a season of celebration where prayer is accompanied with merriment but some were deprived the opportunity as they instead got the beating of their lives to usher in the New Year.

One of such victims, Ifeoma Okeke Ojiakor, posted on Facebook how her husband beat her and stabbed her in her private part while threatening to kill her on Christmas Eve.

“Saddest Christmas ever, lying in pains on my hospital bed, I am writing this with tears flowing down my eyes. On 25th of December 2016 my husband came back home at about 6.30p.m. and started accusing me of sleeping with his boy (a 16-yr-old boy), one of his apprentices.

“He didn’t even wait for me to say a word as he pounced on me and started beating me with stick, machete, bottle, etc.

“He said he was going to kill me and nothing would happen.

“He also stabbed the said boy with a machete, but I don’t know the boy’s whereabouts now,” said the 27-year-old mother of three.

Ifeoma who said she has suffered all forms of abuse from her husband since their marriage, lamented that her husband was always fond of hitting her at the slightest provocation.

She narrated in the facebook post that they had visited several police stations to settle their never ending quarrels where he would sign an undertaking never to hit her again but “this last one went too far.”

Another victim who also posted her story on the social media without mentioning her name but provided images of the assault said “I have endured 10 years of my marriage like this.”

“During our first year of marriage, he beat me to the point of death; I ran away to my father’s house, but he came begging and promised that it would not repeat itself again.

“My father told me that he has collected my bride price so he cannot accept me back so I should follow my husband back,” she said.

“It continued till I had my four kids. Today, the 2nd of January, he has resumed his duty as a boxer, I don’t have anywhere else to go, because, my daddy will not give me shelter.

“He claims it is an abomination to harbor a married woman in the house after collecting her bride price,” she added.

These posts caused series of reactions on social media where a faction blamed the victims for remaining in the marriage after the assaults, while others were sympathetic towards them.

A twitter user, Jane Bode, who was sympathetic said the society does not respect a woman who has been married before and moved out of her home.

“Her family would blame her for scandalizing the family name.

“The society says her children are useless without their father, so she should endure any treatment and suck it up for her kids” she said.

Atinuke Nukay on facebook said because single parenting is frowned upon and stigmatized in the society, this is bound to happen.

“You will be asked to endure till you die. On the other hand, a lot of women notice it before marriage but ignore it hoping to change a husband.”

Neemah Arigbabu, a student of International Relations and also an advocate for social justice wondered why women allowed their spouses to treat them in such an abusive manner.

“In Nigeria we do not have a supportive system for domestic violence abuse and it makes it harder. I stopped talking about domestic violence when I noticed the survivors always went back to their abusers,” she stated.

“If you want to stay with a violent partner I suggest you invest your money in selfdefense classes too, that way the beating isn’t one-sided,” she added.

Maimuna Saleh, a teacher in Lugbe, told Home Front that women should stop being naive and wise up.

“Some women rush into marriage with just anyone that shows a little interest in them. They think because they are almost in their late 30s they are at a disadvantage.

“When the time is right you will eventually get married and everything will fall into place, do not rush,” she said.

“When you see a man that will hit his wife in marriage, you should know.

“Marriage doesn’t change any man; it only affords you a domestic platform to exhibit your true character. When you look at only the good stuffs and play down his temperament, the result can be deadly,” she added.

Idris Mohammed, a civil servant, told our reporter that because some women are terrified of being alone, they stick with their spouse even when he is beating them to stupor.

“Some are financially dependent on the abusers or are threatened with murder if they tried to leave. And because they can’t think for themselves they remain in the toxic environment, thereby exposing their children to such violence,” he said.

“My mother suffered abuse from my dad. Daddy has taught her to be powerless,” says a 16-year-old SSS3 student of GSS Pasali.

“He beats her whenever they have a misunderstanding, and I keep wondering how he can raise his hands to a woman who has given birth to five children for him,” she said.

The student, who doesn’t want her name in print, hopes to start a trade after gaining admission into the university to raise enough money to liberate her mum.

“I hate it at home because my parents are never friends. Whenever daddy is home there is always tension. Mum cannot move freely. I even have more say in the house than she does. There was a time, when I was younger that I hated my mum because I thought she has to be doing something wrong for dad to always flog her, but as the years went by, I realized he beats her at the slightest provocation.

“When the soup is salty or the television is dusty, he picks the cane and right in front of us, begins to flog her,” she says.

“I don’t want to say I hate my dad, but he is not a particularly nice man.

“I never wish to meet a man like him,” she added.

Mrs Agnes Peters, a marriage counselor at one of the new generation churches, says sometimes it is usually difficult for the victim to report the batterer because she may be deeply in love with him and may want to protect him.

She said there are also cases where a neighbour reports a battery case to the police and the batterer takes it out on the victim, adding that such usually scares the victims.

While frowning at the option of divorce, Mrs Agnes says sometimes speaking to victims that have been through the same experience may help those suffering at the moment cope.

“I don’t advice that victims remain in an abusive relationship or marriage, but they should first seek help. No conflict or misunderstanding should lead to beating. If you are told to only spank your kids, why then would you hit your spouse to the point of unconsciousness,” she said.