Ogbeh’s yams versus Sai Baba’s parked jet
The elites are the trouble of Naija. If I was President Buhari, I would ruin them financially, economically and anyhowly until the country is peopled by malleable peasants. Peasants people, they are the salt of the earth. Anything you tell them, they believe. No Google to do comparative analysis, no Internet to crosscheck anything – peasants are easier to lead than a herd of Katsina cows. I know so, because I played truancy for a year, enjoying the jungle with the local Fulani and playing possum with education - details in soon to be published memoirs.
Elder Audu Ogbeh was nominated for the Nobel Prize in Ministerial Achievement for doing what award-winning Akinwumi Adeshina could not do – gleefully announcing the export of 72 tonnes of yams to the US and UK. Unlike some other minusters; he did not get on the plane with the yams to commission them on the other side. He’s as frugal as they come from Benue. That was until Daniel Bott appeared with superior logic 70 tonnes of yams could fetch a little but turned into Pharmaceutical Grade Starch, Naija could have made N80 million! How could anyone kill a working minuster’s joy just like that? And without repercussions o! Mr. Bott is a pharmacist.
Who needs people like that? Now, anybody seeing Audu Ogbeh might want to stone him for losing over N64 million with his announced feat. This is not good at all. Mr. Bott should be sent to the hottest part of Haramistan where he would never ever remember the pharmaceutical composition of any tuber - yam, cocoyam, or wateryam. No nation grows heroes with people like Bott around bursting a nation’s balloon of pride.
Last week, Maigida Garba Shehu was forced to counter a social media mischief about the presidential plane, Air Force One incurring debts for parking at a London tarmac for over 50 days. Those commenting on this have never flown on a presidential plane in their lives. Courtesy of the Wizard of Ota, I could add the initials FITPJ to my name - it means Flew In The Presidential Jet.
I won’t expose state secrets by describing the opulence of a presidential jet. They are a president’s aeronautical ADC and they park nearly for free anywhere, never be more than a few meters away from their commander-in-chief, according to Shehu. If in doubt, fly with Sudan’s Al-Bashir!
That should settle the matter, but no. Ever since the late Danbaba Suntai broke protocol and flew into oblivion, presidents have been barred from flying themselves. That means they need a presidential crew, wherever the president goes, the crew goes with him. Like the jet, they are not allowed to abandon their C-in-C. I know another elite would soon ask Garba Shehu to tell Naija voters and taxpayers, how much of our budget has gone into paying the travelling allowances of members of the standby crew who warming Air Force One for the past fifty-something days.
Most times I have to go on my knees and pray that God should deliver me from ITK –– I too know. If I had never flown on the presidential jet, I would not have known all these. In future no peasant’s son should ever fly in the presidential jet again! As a child, I used to wave at planes flying over 35,000 feet above thinking that the pilot was waving back.
We all know that the people who run British airports would never charge the presidential jet even if it parked in London till Jesus returns. The reasons are the economic benefits associated to the jet. I understand that Sai Baba has no British citizenship; meaning that he is not covered by the NHS. Naija is footing the presidential sick bills – bed space, pills, x-rays and any supplementary disbursement. Which country would scare a presidential jet with Garba Shehu’s revealed £1,000 parking fee when it could rake millions pounds from the ancillary medical bills? Certainly neither Tessy May or Mama Charlie! Again all these arguments are in my elite head, I have no scintilla of evidence to prove that it is so and anyone reading and believing it to be so does so at their own risk.
It doesn’t end there. The presidential crew probably live in hotels, they draw their salaries and allowances all through this period. But then I remember that Naija has an average of six MPs in the UK parliament, surely they are wonderful people who love their president or why do you think Sai Baba goes to London and not to Dubai or Jeddah? These Britico-Naija MPs must be hosting members of the presidential aircrew from their salaries and allowances in return for the bragging rights. Or is there a diaspora Naija out there who wouldn’t want to add to the elasticity of their patriotic call card - hosted a member of the presidential air fleet crew? Not except we are not the country that has signposts reading – Friend of the Governor or call cards reading – presidential cook! Let me come and be going before I land in Oga Shehu’s pot of trouble.