HOME FRONT Why couples must go for counseling before marriage

Experts are concerned about the rising cases of failed marriages (especially young marriages) in the country, thereby suggesting pre- marital counseling as a way of remedy.

The case of Maryam Sanda who allegedly stabbed her husband to death has so many parents concerned about the state at which children are sent off to marriage if they are unprepared.

Other cases about couples psychologically torturing their spouses leading to horrendous acts have been flying in the media, with little or no remedy. Most of these cases normally start from normal disagreements between spouses that were allowed to develop into quarrels, estrangements, divorce and then fatal vengeance leading to deaths or grievous bodily harms.

All sides of the issue contribute in one way or the other to these problems. It always boils down most of the time to money, disrespect or domination.

A marriage counselor in Abuja recently stated that about 50% of Nigerian marriages end in bitter divorce.

That means five in every ten marriages between Nigerian couples end in divorce which is very high.

But why is that so?

The founder of Azzawaj Women Intervention Center, Hajiya Asma’u Abe Wala in an interview with Home Front said couples lack the basics of being and staying married.

“They don’t know what it means to be married. So they can’t stay married for long,” she said.

She suggests that pre-marital counseling be made mandatory for every couple before marriage. Young couples need to be counseled before and even after marriage. Because if you look at our norms and values in the society, it is no longer there, all they live by is what they see in the social media these days,” she said.

“They need to understand that marriage is not just about the fanfare at the wedding ceremonies. It is about living actual family life and taking responsibilities. As the days goes by the couples will be creating a life of their own, so you see it is something that needs coaching,” she added.

Hajiya Asma’u explained that in the olden days children spent well enough time at home with their parents who taught them the norms and values of the society. She noted that a child was not just for the immediate family but the whole society as neighbours could scold any child if they misbehaved without the parents picking offence.

”But in today’s world, everybody is fighting for himself. Nobody cares about another. It is a lonely world. And our children don’t have time to stay with their parents because of education, from an early age of three years the child starts school be it Islamic or the model education. There is no time at all for all these counseling and by the time the child gets to the university and comes out even the ethics, they don’t know it,” she exclaimed.

She therefore suggests that both the bride and groom must know the ethics of marriage which she says counseling will teach before properly going into it.

“For example, this sad incident recently in Abuja here that was reported that that young lady killed her husband. Who do you think is at the loose end? Is it not their baby? What will their eight months old baby grow up to say about her parents?”

“Apart from the ridicule aspects which the educated ones ignore, the medical aspects to curb the issues of sickle cell diseases, HIV, there are other diseases, all these RH factors that must be looked into” she added.

Matida Komma the coordinator and cofounder of The Girls’ Agenda, in The Gambia said her organisation is a women rights organisation aimed at impacting and empowering young girls in the communities.

She said making girls understand that going into the marriage life is a huge responsibility and they have to be in the right state of mind before embarking on that journey.

She said the counseling helps partners improve their ability to communicate, set realistic expectations for marriage and develop conflict-resolution skills.

She also adds that the counseling can help couples establish a positive attitude about seeking help when there is conflict along the way.

“In marriage there is bound to be conflict, it is common during the early stages of a marriage, where couples expect a lot from each other and when they get married they may not like what reality they experience,” she said.

She notes that the counseling makes them realise that marriages aren’t exactly a fairytale, and the duties and commitment could take its toll on one partner. It also creates a platform where they will discuss all that is necessary to know and understand about each other thus allowing the two of them to make some real expectations and not fabricate a fairytale.

“The future of your married life is definitely unpredictable; there are loads of expectations, and with each disappointment there will arise doubt. Doubts in marriage aren’t right, doubts in marriage means that it is heading towards the end. Counseling could be very effective so that you can have a good understanding of yourself and your would-be-spouse,” she added.