Medical check-up at 59
Nigeria, which will be 59 years old as an independent nation tomorrow, turned up at the private clinic of a famous physician for a medical check-up. Doctors regularly urge us to frequently undergo medical check-up as we age but Nigeria is turning up for a medical check for the first time in its life at 59, when a lot of medical water has already gushed under the bridge.
I recommended this physician to Nigeria because I first read about him in Reader’s Digest many years ago. A patient went to see him and said, “Doctor, my problem is that whenever I see other people’s things, I cannot help taking them away.” The physician ordered the man to remove his clothes for a thorough examination. He fiddled around with several instruments and he finally delivered the verdict. “I have diagnosed your problem,” the doctor said. “You are a thief.”
Upon my recommendation, Nigeria appeared before this straight-talking doctor and asked for a comprehensive medical examination. This physician does not mince words. Unlike other doctors who hide behind medical jargon to confuse their patients and who scribble prescriptions in illegible hand writing, this doctor speaks straight. He does not separate medical conditions from their social and economic causes and he speaks in a language that the patient will fully understand.
Nigeria’s first complaint to the doctor was that it is suffering from high fever and a splitting headache. The doctor put a thermometer under Nigeria’s arm and recorded a temperature of 42 degrees. Going to fetch a cold towel, he announced, “Your fever is caused by failure to implement the new minimum wage. For every day’s delay in implementing it, your body temperature will rise by 0.5 degrees centigrade.” Nigeria also complained of running nose and cough. The doctor said, “This is caused by the shortage of admission space in schools, absence of drugs in public hospitals, high cost of treatment in private clinics and lack of trained school teachers. It is a chronic medical problem.”
Nigeria was then diagnosed with malaria and the doctor said, “Mosquitos like your country. The way some youths migrate across the Mediterranean to Europe is how mosquitos migrate from Sub-Saharan Africa and Europe to Nigeria.” Another test result showed Nigeria has typhoid fever. The doctor said, “Salmonella typhi regards Nigeria as its holiday destination. The food section of your markets looks to Salmonella like a Japanese spa.” Nigeria also has arthritis; its legs do not bend properly and its joints are stiff. All these, the doctor said, are caused by deep potholes on the road, lack of railings on bridges and the forbidding nature of our bush paths.
“What about my pile?” Nigeria asked. The doctor snapped, “How can you not have pile? Journeys in your country last until eternity. Your roads have deep potholes, your public vehicles are overcrowded, since drivers need the extra money to settle policemen at check points. Your country has no mandatory stops for rest and feet stretching like they have in other countries. You have no public conveniences on the highways. Your traders and market women sit in hot and cramped stalls day in day out, 24/7 and for years on end. You must have pile.” Nigeria also has goiter on the neck, which the doctor said is due to lack of iodine in the diet. He then said, “The test also shows that you lack Vitamins A, B, C, D, E up to Z.”
Nigeria then complained that when it eats food, it is soon hungry again. A test quickly found tape worms in its stomach. “It is P&DI,” the doctor said. “It is about to clear all your foreign reserves in one fell swoop, caused by your public servants in three administrations. I would have recommended deworming but I don’t think it will help because you have too many worms in your public service. They are still gnawing at your intestines and colon.” A long string-like structure, resembling guinea worm, was oozing out of Nigeria’s right leg. “It is IPOB,” he said. “It entered your leg through the Abakaliki rice fields. Even if you cut it, the head will remain inside and will continue to trouble your leg. Jimmy Carter came here to help you but he had to go away after some time. Yakubu Gowon also tried but he had to give up.”
A quick examination of Nigeria’s hair revealed that it was infested with lice. “No wonder,” the doctor said. “You must have lice in your hair. They are Yahoo boys, cultists, bandits, kidnappers, thugs and area boys.” The doctor searched one side of Nigeria’s head and saw a white patch made by ring worm. Ring worm is a fungus which is very difficult to treat. “It is Boko Haram,” the doctor said shortly. “Despite all treatment, it could be on your head for years, but I will give you a cream called Operation Lafiya Dole and a lotion called Super Camp. It might help.”
Nigeria has also been stooling uncontrollably. Several sachets of Flagyl did not help. The doctor looked at the test result and said, “It is because of closure of the border.” Even though Nigeria is at an advanced age of 59 years, the doctor said evidence of marasmic kwashiorkor is still evident in its stunted body growth. He said, “It is because your salary is not reviewed for a long time while the naira exchange rate falls steeply and the cost of fuel, food, medicines and school fees keeps rising. Kwashiorkor and marasmus together stunted your bones, your muscles and your skin. There is nothing I can prescribe for you because it is a medically irreversible condition.”
The next examination revealed that Nigeria could not swallow properly because its tonsils are infected. The doctor shone a torch in Nigeria’s throat and said, “You can’t swallow properly because the naira is stuck at 360 to the dollar, because of 50% VAT increase, because of CBN’s higher bank charges for withdrawals and deposits and because of FIRS’ expansion of the tax net to capture more people.” Nigeria’s appendix was found to be full of indigestible particles. “Let’s remove it,” the doctor said. “It is exam malpractice and sexual harassment in schools.” Nigeria was also tested for stomach ulcer, diabetes and bad cholesterol and is awaiting result.
A check of Nigeria’s blood pressure gave a reading of 190/100. The doctor said, “How can your blood pressure not rise when you put barricades in your house to keep out robbers, hold your pocket when you enter the market in order to deter pick pockets, roll up your glasses in the car in order to avoid phone snatchers, you fear kidnappers when you travel on the highway, you buy a Standing ticket on the AbujaKaduna train because VIPs corner all the sitting tickets?”
Nigeria’s prostate has become very large and it has difficulty urinating. The doctor briefly examined it through the anus and said, “Your prostate is bigger than that of Indians, Chinese or Afghans. It will not allow your kidney to excrete urea from the digestion of protein because most of the protein you consume is haram. You rustle cows, divert money meant for vaccination, you allow donkey meat to be sold at the abattoirs, you add ghost workers to vouchers, you steal drugs from hospitals, you divert food meant for students’ feeding, you manipulate computers and steal money from bank customers. No, you can’t urinate properly.”
After emerging from the clinic, Nigeria cursed me for recommending this doctor and threatened to send DSS, EFCC, ICPC and IG’s Intelligence Response Squad after me.
Nigeria was then diagnosed with malaria and the doctor said, “Mosquitos like your country. The way some youths migrate across the Mediterranean to Europe is how mosquitos migrate from SubSaharan Africa and Europe to Nigeria.”