Danc­ing python

Sunday Trust - - VIEWPOINT | COMMENT & DEBATE - el­nathanjohn.blogspot.com, Twit­ter: @el­nathan with El­nathan John ec­ceneljo@ya­hoo.com

Dar­ling Buhari,

You must be on your way to New York now. I am happy for you re­ally. If you ask me dear, I think you are mak­ing the best de­ci­sion to fly out for the bet­ter part of one week at a time when the coun­try burns. There is a cur­few in Jos. There are ten­sions in Abia State spread­ing all over the coun­try. Your beau­ti­ful danc­ing python is mak­ing a lot of peo­ple un­easy. Ev­ery­one wants a piece of you now and I just think that if you don’t pass ev­ery­thing to your deputy and go away for a while you may fall ill again.

Peo­ple don’t ap­pre­ci­ate you. They do hor­ri­ble things like blame you for the ex­cesses of the Nige­rian army. They even say things like your declar­ing that those who gave you only 5 per cent of the vote in 2015 should not ex­pect to be treated equally. How is say­ing those words the same as dis­crim­i­na­tion? They are only words and the last time I checked words don’t make peo­ple bleed.

Dar­ling the courts have asked that INEC con­tin­ues the re­call process of the danc­ing Se­na­tor of the House of Cars. You know what I would do if I were him? I would show up at the vot­ing units dur­ing the re­call vote with all of my ten cars and mo­tor­cy­cles, wear­ing my biker gear, revving all the en­gines loudly at the same time just so they see what they are about to miss. Maybe then some will change their minds about re­call­ing him as se­na­tor.

Hmmm, so I lis­tened to that leaked phone call be­tween your cousin and that other guy from Sa­hara Re­porters. Why are they call­ing your first wife “sui­cide bomber”? Should I be wor­ried? Or dar­ling did you just put that out so that I shouldn’t come to your house any­more? I hope not. Be­cause you know I am not afraid of her. You are the per­son I care about. No sui­cide bomber fash­ioned against me shall pros­per. But if it is not you, I re­ally think you should get to the bot­tom of things and know why they call her that. We don’t want any rude sur­prises.

I know that be­cause of your large heart and be­cause of the fact that you are not a bigot you might be feel­ing bad about the se­ces­sion­ist ag­i­ta­tion in the South East. You might be beat­ing your­self up ask­ing where you went wrong or how best to solve this sit­u­a­tion with­out any more civil­ians get­ting hurt or pun­ish­ing a re­gion. You might be think­ing: the South East de­serves ev­ery­thing that the rest of the coun­try has. I un­der­stand. The truth is that I think you have done ev­ery­thing you can. It is not your fault that the South East has been largely aban­doned by the Fed­eral Govern­ment or that the state governors are largely use­less in giv­ing their cit­i­zens a good life. I don’t think you should worry too much as you en­joy your time in New York. Nnamdi Kanu is a re­sult of many things, none of which are your fault. Drink your tea in peace and let Os­in­bajo at­tend the long peace meet­ings. That is af­ter all why you have a deputy.

I think you have done ev­ery­thing you can. It is not your fault that the South East has been largely aban­doned by the Fed­eral Govern­ment or that the state governors are largely use­less in giv­ing their cit­i­zens a good life

So I see you didn’t fire Mama Taraba. My dear, I have no com­ments. I sup­port you in ev­ery­thing you do, un­like some other peo­ple. But just be care­ful about those who rushed to sup­port you in this mat­ter es­pe­cially some small governors. Not every en­emy of your en­emy is your friend. Some peo­ple are only loyal when it makes them look good. Me I am loyal all the time. See how I waited for you when you were in Lon­don. I did not leak any memos to make it look like I was crit­i­cis­ing you, just in case you wouldn’t come back. I stayed by your side be­liev­ing you would get bet­ter. One who leaks memos they sent to you can­not be trusted. Typ­i­cal Nige­rian men. They will have one drink with you and tell the whole world you had an af­fair.

Also, dar­ling, be care­ful who you call these days o. Now that every phone call is be­ing leaked. I don’t want our pri­vate business out in the open.

Fi­nally, I must say even though I love your python and all, it might not be the best to roll out tanks in the South East as a way of fight­ing calls for se­ces­sion. Maybe we send them flow­ers or tankers full of fura da nono just to see what they will miss if they se­cede. By the time they re­alise they will be us­ing forex to buy kil­ishi and fura, they will change their minds.

PS. Dear, my weekly re­minder: The Shi­ite man whose chil­dren and fol­low­ers we mas­sa­cred and buried in mass graves. I think it is time to re­lease him. Please think of it. We have hurt the man enough. Let us re­lease him and his wife. It is only fair.

Yours for­ever

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