Is There Any Way Possible To Save This Marriage?

IRECENTLY married and found out that my wife is having an affair. To be more accurate, continuing an eight- year affair she had been having with her married co- worker. I found out about the relationship initially via her instant messages before we got married. Whenever I went into a room, she would scramble to close windows of the computer.

So, one day, I hacked her personal computer and saw some of the messages. I confronted her about the message, because they were very sexually explicit; things she didn’t even express to me. She indicated to me that it was “fantasy” and said they were inappropriate conversations and it would not happen again.

She then got on me about the whole trust and snooping issue, but the thing is, when I asked her straight out if something was going on with this guy, she lied and told me nothing and that she wasn’t even attracted to this guy. Then, I spied and found out otherwise.

Well, a few months later, we got married and my wife went on a business trip a few weeks after the marriage. The first week she went, I was getting phone calls every night, e- mails, etc. The second week, I couldn’t get in touch with her at all, as well as her family members.

When she came home, I asked her what happened with just the basic check in to let me know you were ok? I would understand if you were busy working, but that is basic common courtesy. She gave me the excuse that I didn’t understand how stressful it was and she was busy.

I asked if her co- worker was down there and she didn’t answer the question and became evasive. Then about a day or two later, she accidentally let it slip that he was there and then she saw the expression on my face and tried to turn it around on me, saying the reason she didn’t tell me he was there was because she didn’t want to get interrogated and that I was insecure.

A few days after that, I hacked her IM again and sure enough, there were conversations in there about him coming down the second week and them sleeping together on a few nights. So, my suspicion was confirmed. There was also another conversation about him coaching her on how to be comfortable with continuing the affair and deceiving me and about how they were having sex at the office late at night when others when home. Now, as silly as this may seem, I still love this woman and would like to work this out, but I don’t think this would/ could ever happen, because first, she won’t admit to the affair. She won’t admit to the affair because she wants to continue it.

Secondly, I can’t trust her and she can’t trust me, which is sad, because her mistrust of me was me just confirming what I suspected. She doesn’t know that I have the chat conversations about her business trip and her carrying on at the office. My mistrust of her is obvious. Now granted we have only been married for four months, if we make one year, it will be amazing.

Is there any way possible to save this marriage? Why in the world did she marry me if her true feelings were for someone else?

Advice:

Dear readers, mail your comments, reactions or true love stories, quiz or personal experience you wish to share to this email: simonclar@ yahoo. com.

For marriage counseling, call Simon on 07032944123.

This Week’s Question:

Ladies, if you found out a lady were pregnant for your tobe husband two weeks to your wedding, would you go ahead with the marriage?

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Love Quiz: Re: Should I Be Honest Or Rather Keep My Mouth Shut?

FIRST, why did you cheat? Was it purely situational? Your boyfriend was not being attentive, which caused you to feel unloved? And rather than address the problem constructively, you acted out?

If it was truly just a one- time relational problem just caused by a unique situation, then it might be best not to tell your boyfriend what happened. But from your question, it sounds like your cheating may have been prompted by an anxious style of attachment.

Anxious individuals have a tendency not to feel loved, idealise their romantic partners (“he is my soul mate”) and cheat on their partners in order to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. If this is the case, it might be best to deal with your anxious style of attachment, so that this problem does not happen again.

If you have an anxious style of attachment and ignore the problem, you would likely cheat again, despite your current feelings of remorse and regret.

Finally, you should also consider if your boyfriend would find out. If there is any chance that your boyfriend would find out what happened, he needs to hear about it from you.