Did I Make A Mistake...?
IHAVE been dating a fantastic lady for almost a year. We are both approaching 30s. We moved in together a few months ago. She is wonderful, and, in the abstract, I hope to spend the rest of my life with her. But, I have been engaged twice before, and both times, the engagements ended miserably.
These experiences have made me skeptical about getting engaged again, especially after so short a time. But, I might have made a mistake by telling my girlfriend all this. She is very hurt. She said my baggage with other women is affecting her life, and the fact that I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, was doubtful
She is not happy that I moved on so quickly. Am I being unreasonable? Did I make a mistake by being honest about my baggage? I’ve hurt the person I love dearly, but don’t know how to make her happy without, of course, proposing before I am ready.
Re: Did I Make A Mistake?
YOU would have informed her that your two previous engagements ended amid bitterness and recriminations before moving in with you. You seem to be in the habit of getting in deep, while actually closing off the kind of openness that allows you to know someone deeply. Yours are exactly the kind of circumstances under which two people should not move in together. The problem is, she’s ready to get married now, but if you ultimately decide not to, she’ll be stuck in a condo with a guy who’s used up her most fertile years.
It’s pathetic that she’s jealous that one of your disastrous proposals took place after only eight months, and feels that having clocked in almost four months more than that, she’s entitled to her own disastrous proposal.
But, of course, there’s nothing that makes a woman feel secure and loved more than being told you envision spending the rest of your life with her “in the abstract.”
That your response to all this is to wish you’d kept your romantic history a secret says that you haven’t learned much from your past mistakes. I suggest you cancel the condo plans; I even think the two of you would be better off not living together. If you feel you are heading toward marriage with her but need another year of dating, then tell her that, and see if that’s something she can be comfortable with. If you’re ever going to have a successful engagement, you need to get in the habit of talking honestly about what you’re feeling, and doing it before you make commitments you can’t keep — Anonymous
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