FROM THE MILLENNIALS: POWER DYNAMICS, COMPARISON, PRESSURE

happy new year and welcome to another article from #fromThemillennials! my name is Seyi Alawode, a 20-year-old university student attempting to bridge the mindset gap between my generation and that of our parents.

‘What is the one thing you wish your parents’ generation understood?’ was a tweet I sent out in july 2017, which generated thousands of responses from millennials in nigeria, ghana & the u.k., which fuelled the articles.

Popular responses ran along the lines of mental health awareness to feminism, while the less popular ones generally consisted of youths complaining about their parents’ ignorance towards things their kids do and/or believe in. Although it took a while, one VERy interesting thing I came across while collating the responses was that most, if not all of the tweets, were underpinned by three key themes: power dynamics, comparison, and pressure.

I initially intended on writing this article on how parents hardly ever listen to their kids, but that topic in itself is linked to power dynamics and the toxicity of it.

So I shall start off with that. POWER DYNAMICS: ‘I am not your agemate, I’m your PAREnT!’

‘Power dynamics’ in simple words refers to whoever has the power, the control, the authority in a setting. In this case, said ‘setting’ would be the relationship between a parent and the child.

One hugE, yet subtly implied issue, that seemed to arise in a lot of the tweets I received was that many nigerian parents seem to think that their relationship with their child is a power struggle. That their kids DARE not have conflicting opinions to their parents as the heads of the household. That an adult is always right, never EVER wrong, regardless of the situation at hand. unsurprisingly so, I received about 50 or so tweets generally along the lines of this:

‘Parents never admit when they’re wrong. Even when they’ve done things to upset you.’

‘They need to understand we’re adults and are allowed to have different opinions and beliefs to theirs. It doesn’t mean we’re stubborn or rude’.

One thing that ruins almost every bond – be it between friends, lovers, family or whatever – is a power struggle. If one notices their partner or friend has a toxic power complex and AlWAyS thinks they are right, their first instinct will be to cut ties with that person. however, because it is difficult and near impossible to cut ties with your parents, all your child is likely to do is keep things away from you – I don’t see why any parent would want that.

my personal opinion on this issue is that way too many nigerian parents stand guilty of this power complex that is so detrimental to their relationship with their kids. frankly, you can only ‘control’ your child’s beliefs to match yours until they reach a certain age. After that, it is natural as independent beings, for us to form our OWn opinions on things. It is healthy to form our own way of thinking.

The least you could do is embrace this, so to nurture your relationship with your children. listen 22 to them for a change and hear what they have to say. It shouldn’t have to take a ThisDay Style article for you to hear your kids out.

Oh, and there is also nOThIng wrong with apologising when in the wrong. nothing whatsoever. COMPARISON: ‘Why can’t you be like XyZ? Do they have two heads?’

I genuinely am a bit shocked that I am currently writing an article to parents asking them to not compare their OWn kids to OThER people’s kids. One would think this goes without saying… …but unfortunately not. So here goes. ‘Comparison, the thief of joy’ – Theodore Roosevelt.

Comparison, whether we like to admit it or not, often stems from insecurity. A lack of confidence in the way yOu brought up your own child, hence leading to an urge to parallel them to someone else’s.

Although sometimes done subconsciously, the constant need to compare your own child to another – whose life behind closed doors you know probably little about – is more of a reflection of the parent than the child. unchewable truth.

Comparing is toxic for such various reasons that I’ve had to narrow it down to two general areas:

It makes the child feel not good enough. hearing that someone is doing a certain thing better than you are knocks your confidence down by miles. This is extremely unfair.

It gives your kid the mindset that you as a parent are not confident in your OWn parenting. As previously mentioned, it says A lOT more about the person comparing than the one being compared.

Each and every person in this world is on their own journey that is unique to ThEm. Everybody grows at different paces, and comparison is a hindrance of growth.

Remember that one has no idea what goes on behind closed doors. The best you could do as a parent is focus on your OWn child and help them become the best possible version of ThEmSElVES, not of someone else’s 9 months. PRESSURE: ‘I want this for you so you will get it. Whether you like it or not!’

‘my parents keep pressuring me to get married and I’m not ready’

‘my dad wants me to be a lawyer but I want to be an actor’

‘my parents want me to attend this school but I won’t be happy there!’

keeping this brief, pressure to do things that you don’t want to, inevitably leads to an unhappy life. The theme of pressure was evident in the article I wrote regarding kids pursuing their dreams, as well as the feminism article.

What several millennials got off their chest on twitter was this notion: ‘you’ve already lived your life. let me live mine’. To break it down, you wanted to be a lawyer for example, but unfortunately could not become one, due to circumstances. So you decide to forcefully live that dream through your offspring, regardless of their own ambitions. you then disguise this manipulation as ‘wanting the best for them’, and give them basically no choice over their own dreams because of the power dynamic in your relationship.

This is a very typical scenario that was aired out when I tweeted that question. Such a predicament is unfair. give your kids the independence to pursue their own dreams and make their OWn life choices, for the benefit of your parent-child relationship.

Thank you for reading yet another episode of #fromThemillenials!!!

Don’t forget to engage in the conversation on social media using the hashtag #FtM.

While you’re at that, don’t hesitate to check out my own socials, twitter – @seyial Website – Merakigirlhub.com next episode will touch on another evident theme, ignorance.