LEGAL HUMOUR
The judge declared at the beginning of trial: "Counsel for the defence has paid me $15,000 to find for his client. Counsel for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to find for hers. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defence."
••• "All lawyers are assholes!" declared a man in a bar. "I resent that!" someone replied. "Why, are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm an asshole!" ••• A doctor told his patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
••• A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello, Joe," he said. "I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Joe. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp."
••• A lawyer was out hiking with a friend when they encountered a mountain lion. The lawyer dropped his pack and got ready to run. "You'll never outrun a hungry mountain lion!" exlaimed his friend. "I don't have to outrun him," replied the lawyer. "I just have to outrun you!"
The next day a coyote came upon that same mountain lion licking a pile of dung. "What on earth are you doing?" the coyote asked in amazement. The mountain lion looked up dolefully. "I ate a lawyer yesterday, and I'm still trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
••• One day a tourist wandered into a curio shop in Hong Kong. Way in the back, amidst the clutter, he found a brass statuette of a rat. It was beautifully crafted, and the man decided he rather liked it. "How much?" he asked the elderly Chinese shopkeeper. "Five dollar," the shopkeeper replied. "Hundred dollar with story." Five dollars seemed like a good price, and the tourist decided that he could live without knowing the story of the brass rat. So he bought it. As he wandered on through the streets of Hong Kong, however, the man noticed with surprise that he was not alone. Rats were emerging from buildings, the sewers, everywhere, in ever increasing numbers, and following him. Before long there were so many that he became genuinely frightened. Finding himself at the water's edge, the now terrified man hurled the brass rat into the bay. He heaved a sigh of relief as the thousands of rats hurled themselves into the bay after it and promptly began to drown. Shaken, the man made his way back to the curio shop. The old Chinese shopkeeper looked amused. "You comeback for story?" he asked. The tourist shook his head. "No," he said. "I just wanted to know if you had a brass lawyer."