LEGAL HUMOUR
A Baptist minister had the misfortune to be seated next to a lawyer on his flight home. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The lawyer asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "I'd rather savagely rape a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips." The lawyer then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, "I didn't know there was a choice."
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-travelled road. The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10 Braised Reporter $12 Fried Diplomat $15 Barbecued Lawyer $110. A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "If you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives and the gang was happy just to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $1000 when we broke in!"
A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly. "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone. "I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered. "Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client. The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me. I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again. "Madam, do you understand what I'm saying?, said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is dead." "I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately e-mailed his client a message reading: "Justice has triumphed!" The client e- mailed back, "Appeal at once!"
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."