PARENTING THE PARENTS

Many young parents are not good role models for their children, writes Sonnie Ekwowusi

Last week an incident occurred in a family well known to me. I think what happened in this family is a matter of public interest worth sharing. It bespeaks today’s broken homes and the disintegration of families in contemporary society. If the family institution is said to be the fundamental unit of society; if the values which the family institution inculcates in a child eventually becomes the foundation upon which he/she builds the superstructure of his/her behaviour. If the family is still the cultivating ground and the building block of our national ethos and heritage, then it is proper and fitting that the family institution should be accorded a primordial place in our national development as enshrined in section 17(3) (f) (h) of our 1999 Constitution. We should be interested in knowing the things and gathering more information about the strength of the family because the strength of the family is the strength of the nation. Abstract democracy alone, it is consistently said, cannot save a nation. (Abstract democracy has not even saved the United States of America). Government does not possess the magic wand to solve all our problems. Consequently we would always have to fall back on the greatest pillar of society - the family institution - which in any case is a veritable safety net in Africa.

It is unfortunate that the family institution is suffering from serious deconstruction and decomposition. As I said earlier, this piece is inspired by the incident that occurred in one family last week. If by any chance the family in question comes across this piece they should be rest assured that this writer holds their names and identity in absolute confidentiality. The family in focus is a family of five. The family owns and lives in a sprawling mansion in one of the porch areas of Lagos. The youngest in the family, a precocious girl, is only six years old. Although she is about graduating from the kindergarten, she is already waxing strong in adult wisdom. Being wealthy, her parents did not hesitate to enrol her and all her siblings in expensive private schools in town. But her parents are hardly at home. Her father hardly makes out time to provide that identity, safety, wisdom, comfort, and special kind of love which only fathers provide. When, for example, he travels to Abuja for business he does not return home until after two months. He is such an invisible father that he often forgets the names of some of his children. His wife is also hardly at home. She comes and goes. She has no time to attend to domestic issues. Domestic matters are attended to by housekeepers. There are two housekeepers employed in the house. They prepare the meals, carry out routine repairs in the house, accompany the children to school, wash the cars, take the children to church on Sundays and so forth.

However, the real tragedy is that this couple is cantankerous. They quarrel in front of their children. They fight in front of their children. They insult each other in front of the children. They even boast of their respective marital infidelities in front of their children. These had been going on for years until last week when the children of the couple decided to call their parents to order to bring peace to the family. Therefore, they decided to invite their parents to a family meeting. At first, the couple thought that the meeting was to review the activities of the two housekeepers who had been caught stealing in the house. But no sooner had the couple arrived for the meeting than it dawned on them that the meeting was solely

WHERE ARE THOSE CHERISHED FAMILY TRADITION AND VALUES WHICH BRING HONOUR AND RESPECT TO THE FAMILY? WE HAVE LOST EVERYTHING

scheduled to discuss their rascality and delinquency. Presiding over the meeting was the couple’s eldest daughter. “Daddy and Mummy, we want to beg you to please stop fighting. We want peace in this house,” she blurted out. “It is true, Daddy, is always travelling” said the couple’s only son. “Mummy, does not dress well”, uttered the fearless precocious daughter. Anyway, the meeting ended abruptly after the couple walked out on the children in annoyance.

Sad. Isn’t? The above clearly shows that some parents need to be parented to enable them parent their children. Therefore classes/ workshops/seminars/conferences should be routinely organised to teach parents, especially young parents (referred to by my consummate jocular lawyer friend as “baby parents) the art of parenting. We now live in the so-called post-truth age or global human rights age that permits all sorts of choices. Juvenile delinquency is no longer the only known vice holding us captive today: adult delinquency equally wrecks our society. The causes of most societal vices are traceable to poor parenting and dysfunctional families. Most young parents are not good role models for their children. Many modern women, for instance, now argue (although irrationally and illogically) that they are the owners of their bodies and therefore nobody should dictate to them how they should use their bodies. Some married women, with the greatest respect, dress like prostitutes. When, for instance, you see a 62-year- old married woman, who ordinarily should have been an exemplary grandmother gallivanting around in a revealing mini-skirt, know that we are enmeshed in a serious family crisis. Not to talk of married men who go about bare-chested in ordinary pant that end up exposing their protruding stomachs. Where are those dignity, respectability and candour that are synonymous with proper parenting? What has happened to the age-old wisdom of parents admired in those days when men were men and women were won by those who deserved them? Where are those cherished family tradition and values which bring honour and respect to the family? We have lost everything. And that is why some children can have the effrontery to summon their parents to a meeting to scold them, sorry, to advise them on why they should be good role models for their children and for society.

So we must begin to parent the parents. Parenting is an art. Only parents who have learned the art of parenting can become successful parents. It is not enough to bring children into the world. Even animals bring their offspring into the world too. Nobody can give what he/ she does not have. If most young parents do not have proper parental upbringing they cannot properly parent their own children to be responsible citizens. In the past, the family provided the bridge that allowed the youngsters to graduate from childhood to adulthood with a certain sense of security. Today, many youngsters cannot rely on the formation they are getting from their parents because their parents were not properly brought up. Our values are warped. In some homes, the parents shamelessly watch internet pornography with their children. Therefore to reinvigorate the family, parents, especially young parents, should be parented to enable them parent their own children to be responsible citizens.