LEGAL HUMOUR

This Lawyer Is Thorough...

The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” asks the accused. “The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.” “What’s the good news?” “Your cholesterol is 130.”

Trappiest Place on Earth

“A man won an $8,000 settlement from Disneyland after he got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. He said he’ll use the money to cut out the part of his brain that won’t stop playing “It’s a Small World After All.” — Conan O’Brien

Long Tour of Duty

I work in a courthouse, so when I served jury duty, I knew most of the staff. As I sat with other prospective jurors listening to a woman drone on about how long the process was taking, a judge and two lawyers passed by, giving me a big hello. A minute later, a few maintenance workers did the same.

That set off the malcontent: “Just how long have you been serving jury duty?”

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?” Witness: “By death.”

Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?” Witness: “Guess.”

Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

Roll Call

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said. “Linda Jones, probation officer.” “Sam Clark, public defender.” “John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”