LEGAL HUMOUR
A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway. One day as he was driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride to the nearest service station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few miles the truck driver saw an attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom, the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the last moment, remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised upon hearing a loud 'thump' as he passed the attorney, the truck driver peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying injured along side of the road. "I'm so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that attorney!" the truck driver plead. "You did my son, but I got him with the door!" gleed the Nun.
Arriving at the pearly gates, and with much eyebrow raising by the heavenly host, the judge was determined to be worthy to enter heaven. "One moment, St. Peter," said the judge as the gates to heaven swung open for him, "just one thing, I'm tired of being around attorneys. I've been around them all of my life. Are there any inside? Because if there are, the deal's off, and you can just send me to hell right now!" "Certainly not!" cried St. Peter, "You're quite safe. There are no attorneys in here." Feeling reassured, the judge pressed on and through the pearly gates into heaven. The judge found heaven very enjoyable, until one day when all of a sudden, a very elderly gentleman with a long white beard, wearing a suit and carrying a briefcase in one hand and a handful of papers in the other pushed past him mumbling something about being late for court. Enraged, the judge stormed back to St. Peter. "Hey! St. Peter!" cried the judge, "You said there were no attorneys here." "There aren't," stammered St. Peter. "I beg to differ," the angered judge promptly retorted, then pointing to the elderly man, "What does that elderly guy over there look like to you?" demanded the judge. "Oh my," St. Peter said laughingly, "That's not an attorney! -- That's God. He just thinks he's an attorney!"
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven. Not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised St. Peter that he intended to appeal. The attorney was immediately informed that it would be at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a threeyear wait was unconscionable. However, his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by Satan, who told him that he would be able to arrange his appeal to be heard in just a few days, but only if the attorney stipulated to change the venue to Hell. When the attorney inquired as to why appeals could be heard so much faster in Hell, Satan gleefully exclaimed, "Who do you think has all of the judges!"
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.