Fundamentals of Marital Bliss –1
IINTRODUCTION
t is one of the favours of Allah to mankind that He ordained marriage as a sacred institution. In the Qur’an, (Suratur-Rum) 30 Ayah 21; He says:
“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”
“… Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one …”
Further in Suratun Nisai, 3 Ayah 3
Marriage is therefore a sacred institution which we must all venture into. However, some people have the opinion that because of the inherent challenges in marriage, they do not want to enter into the nuptial contract which comes with responsibility for both sexes. It is however important for us to know, that we came into this world through challenges and we live through it by confronting challenges. Rasulullah followed this with a clear directive; “Marriage is my Sunnah (Practice) and whoever abandons my practice is not of me.”
To confront the challenges, Muslims must be exposed to opportunities to learn the fundamentals of a blissful marriage and how to retool a failing marriage. Allah has therefore directed us in Suratul Tahrim, 6 Ayah 6:
“O ye who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who flinch not (from executing) the commands they receive from Allah, but do (precisely) what they are commanded.”
The essence of this directive is for us to admonish ourselves in the family and to also come together to learn how to enjoy our marriages.
THE PIVOTS OF MARRIAGE
Scholars are generally agreed that to establish marriage, there must be a number of factors. One is Offer and Acceptance; the offer can come from both sexes. The second is Parental Consent, especially for a virgin. The third is Dowry, a special gift from the man to the would be wife and the fourth is Publicity; which is an opportunity for people to witness the solemnisation. A union that has completed the basic four rules has become legal in Islam even without a Court or Registry. Before the completion of the four, prospective couple must observe the barrier between unmarried people. This is also a guide to marital bliss.
THE PIVOTS OF A BLISSFUL MARRIAGE
There are three major issues in establishing a good home, they are: Our Faith and its Implications, Our Personal Morality and Our Mutual Communication abilities. However, in the modern times, a number of issues are affecting marriages. Issues like: Joint Account and Finances, Concept of Me and My Wife or Husband are a few of them.
The first issue is Your Faith about Islam. Practice it in your daily life. What meaning do you give your Faith in your life? Make Faith the foundation of the home. It will carry all other loads. Your marriage should be to perfect your faith, build a home called the home of Islam.
As Muslims, we must have a complete Muslim personality and not dual personalities. This is why Allah directs in Surah Al-Baqarah, 2 Ayah 208:
FAITH.
“O ye who believe! enter into Islam whole-heartedly; and follow not the footsteps of the evil one; for He is to you an avowed enemy.”
Allah wants us to submit everything about ourselves to the complete way of life, perfected by Allah Himself. A close observation in this verse reveals that once you opt for anything other than that Perfected Way, you are ‘following the footsteps of Shaytan – the evil one. In our marriage therefore, from conception to implementation and sustaining the marriage, Faith must be the bedrock.
Secondly, Allah says you are the best community in Surah Al-Imran, 3 Ayah 110:
“Ye are the best of peoples, evolved for mankind, enjoining what is right, forbidding what is wrong, and believing in Allah. …”
The above revelation has its implication on your marriage. As the best people or community, your marriage should also reflect the best marriage from which others will learn, copy and appreciate marriage better. Once this is not the case, question your faith.
Each time you question your faith, you will see how you have hit the rock and therefore helped Shaytan to enter your marriage. If you hope to make amends, return back to Allah in submission and in repentance because He has warned us all poignantly in Suratul Ahzab, 33 Ayah 36 that:
“It is not fitting for a believer, man or woman, when a matter has been decided by Allah and His Messenger to have any option about their decision: if any one disobeys Allah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path.”
May we not be on the wrong path.
Despite our knowledge of Islam, the guidance of scholars and our urge for peace and love for blissful home, there are a number of ubiquitous challenges. They include; Children, Money, Conjugal issues, Family, in-laws, Across the Fence – our neighbours and, The Other Woman – polygamy.
All these issues constitute challenges in varying ways but because of space and time, only two would be discussed here and show us how faith deals simply and easily with them. The cases: children and polygamy or polygyny would be discussed.
In the case of children, we are troubled when we are yet to blessed with them or when they are coming in particular sex. Every marriage that is truly a marriage hopes for children as fast as possible. By the end of the month our parents are asking ‘has Allah answered our prayer.?’ In all these scenarios, Allah has not given authority to man over it. Whether you will have children or their sexes are all determined by Allah.
This position, Allah affirms in the Qur’an, Surah AsShurah, 42 Ayah 49-50:
“To Allah belongs the dominion of the heaves and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or, He mingles them male and female and He makes barren whom He wills. Lo! He is Knower, Powerful.”
Another issue about children is in time management. During honeymoon, the couple has all the time unlimited, no challenges, it was a free period. The moment baby Abdullah arrives; you will notice the changes. From the time he is in the tummy while his mother carries a can about to empty the fluid from her mouth regularly or she vomits once she perceives certain odours, some men are put off by what medical doctors call symptoms of the first trimester!
Then Abdullah is born and that time you so much desire intimacy with your partner, you are both in the mood then he cries – as if monitoring you both. The cry does not subside until the mood is gone. Perhaps baby Khadijah is already crawling – goodness, they love to play with well-arranged clothe, just from the dry cleaner. She would pick them one after the other and turn them to a small heap on the floor. A little more delay, she craws on top like a queen on her throne and urinates.
The father is dressed to rush out for whatever assignment and Abdullah rushed at him, holding unto his flowing gown, behold Abdullah’s fingers are soaked with pepper from whatever food he was eating or playing with. Another scenario, man wants his food and the diligent wife rushes to the kitchen to serve. Khadijah comes to the sitting room and excretes on the floor.
While both wife and husband may be the one overreacting here, mostly it is the men – the husband that always feel the wife has not done enough to prevent such scenario from coming up. Just recap a little and see who was idle in most of those cases – the answer is The Husband. Yes, the man, he was supposed to have offered a helping hand.
In your family, what will happen when your husband increases in Ibadah, like: observing Tahajjud, Tatawa etc? These are voluntary activities right? If there is faith in that family, then there must be happiness. The wife is happy seeing that her husband is moving closer to Allah. She commends him and even willingly tells her friends how her husband is dutiful and seeks the face of Allah all times.
But, what happens if he seeks a Mathna ...?! An-Nikahi is also part of Faith! Polygamy is indeed not compulsory but doing it also pleases Allah just as extra voluntary Ibadah that we carry out. So, why do we then always object?
Let us recall the Ayah of Suratun Nisai again:
“… Marry women of your choice, two, or three, or four; but if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly (with them) then only one …”
Issues in the verse are that you marry women ‘of your choice’ – the first rule, a woman you can operate with on the same page always. Then Allah starts with ‘two, three or four’ – the men will have a minimum of two and the weak a maximum of one. Allah then establish the rule – Justice and fair play.
We have a lot of stories about ‘short comings’ in polygamy, just like in all businesses, supposing you chose to make yours a success! Or is business experience not like that? The rush into the oil and gas business is not an indication that there are no failures. The same for agriculture in recent times, they all have their challenges. Ditto for marriage, even with a single wife, there are challenges but you can choose to make your own a success.
Now, let us take a look at our morality and its importance in marriage. The morality of the individual constituents of our home is very important. Rasulullah says:
and Surah Al-Qalam, 68
been sent to perfect morals’
“And Thou (stands) on an Exalted standard of character.”
Ayah 4:
‘I have
The Qur’an consistently joins Good Work with Faith like in Suratul Kahf, 18 Ayah 107:
“As to those who believe and work righteous deeds, have, for their entertainment, the Gardens of Paradise.”
Two major issues in morality are germane when it comes to marriage, they are (Behaving in a shy, self-conscious or modest way – Sense of Shame). Patience overcomes all difficulties and that is why the Qur’an exalts us to be patient and persevere in Quran Al- Imran, Ayah 200:
Patience and Bashfulness
“O you who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy: vie in such perseverance, strengthen each other, and fear Allah, that you may prosper.”