Sex Education, Rape and Parental Duty
My topic today, is at the instance of my children. They had all been on social media, following a trail of messages regarding accusations/allegations of rape and different types of sexual assault, against teenage boys/young adult men, by teenage girls/ young adult females. When they showed me some of the conversations, I found them shocking. Some of the girls claimed that they were taken advantage of, while in a state of intoxication, and others claimed to have simply been overpowered and raped, or forced to perform lewd acts. Some of the males, had multiple accusations/ allegations against them.
Culpability
The worrisom part of it all, is that my children placed a lot of the blame for the deviant behaviour, on us Parents. They claim that, most Nigerian Parents do not teach their children sex education. Africans in my generation, may find it difficult to discuss sex etc with their children, since in most cases, it was almost a taboo type of topic, which was not discussed with us by our Parents, in our own time.
My children reminded me that, when they were small, beyond teaching them that no one was allowed to touch their private parts, and subsequently that, the norm is to have a heterosexual relationship, I did not really teach them sex education. Though I remember telling my son when he turned 18 that, if a girl says “no”, it is “no”, and that he had now reached the age of responsibility, where if he made any mistake, he would be held fully accountable, as an adult. My children told me that, they only got to learn proper sex education, in secondary school in the UK.
They decried the Nigerian attitude to women, claiming that our attitude is misogynistic, that is, strongly prejudicial against women. They said that, in Nigeria, boys are not taught to respect women or treat them well. They are not taught that, when a girl says no, it should mean no. They found it shocking and annoying, to hear adults making comments like “what was the girl wearing when she was raped?”, “why did she go to his house?”, “who will now marry a girl that has been raped?”, “maybe it was her fault, didn’t she lead him on?” While my children did not excuse that kind of violent, perverse behaviour, they also felt that some of the actors, could even be oblivious of the fact that some of what they were doing, amounted to rape/ sexual assault, for instance having sexual relations with a girl who is too drunk to know what she is doing or give her consent.
My children also informed me that, one of the most common methods of rape used by young Nigerian males, was coercion, that is, persuasion, wearing the woman down, after she has already indicated her refusal to have sexual intercourse from the start.
Criminality
Sexual contact or intercourse, without the explicit consent of the other party, can be rape. Some of the elements of rape are penetration and lack of consent. Having sexual intercourse, with a girl who is too drunk to know precisely what she is doing, or be in a position to give her explicit consent or refuse, is rape.
In Nigeria, the Criminal Code (applicable in the South), the Penal Code (applicable in the North), and the Violence Against Persons Prohibition Act (applicable in Abuja), all provide for the offence of rape, with the latter law expanding the scope of rape to different types of penetration, as opposed to just vaginal penetration of a woman by a man only. These days, men are also being raped frequently.
I have decided to refer to the UK Sexual Offences Act 2003 (SOA) as well, because it seems that several of those who were accused of sexual assault and rape on social media, are resident in the UK and other foreign countries. By virtue of the SOA, rape is a statutory offence and Section 1(4) provides that anybody found guilty of the offence of rape, whether by penetration into the vagina, anus, or mouth, may be liable on conviction, to up to life imprisonment. The law also provides for penetration, using things or objects, other than the penis.
Unlike Nigeria, where the use of technology to determine whether the offence of rape has been committed, is almost non-existent, the case is the opposite in the UK. They have rape kits, which are used to retrieve DNA immediately after the act, crime scene investigators to process crime scenes and collect evidence, which can also be analysed and so on. Additionally, many girls have now actually been brave enough, to come out with their accusations, and make reports to the Police, discountenancing the old issue of the shame and stigma attached to rape, which enabled many males to get away with their crimes. Hitherto, many have been able to get away with rape, because the victims were not only reluctant to report to the Police, but scared to tell their Parents about their experiences, so as not to be judged or disciplined by them. As we can see from the social media exposé, this is changing. Therefore, those that are engaged in this unholy act, should desist, lest the long arm of the law shall surely reach and engulf them!
What to Teach Your Children
From an early age, possibly age 5 or 6, all children should be taught that touching someone without their permission, is not acceptable behaviour. They should be taught the names of their genitals expressly, so that in case of any abuse, they can report it articulately. It is imperative that, our boys especially, are taught what acceptable and respectable behaviour is, especially towards women. One also needs to check a child who seems to be prone to anger, as soon as such behaviour is noticed. Parents must also create a calm and open environment at home, where children and teenagers, are able to ask questions.
Experts suggest that from the age of 9 or 10, children should learn the definition of rape. As a child approaches their teens, sex education should be more explicit, as they may start to experience sexual feelings at that age. Statistics have revealed that 61% of all rapes/sexual assault, involve alcohol and drugs, as they cloud judgement and reduce inhibitions; so, excessive intake by both males and females, should be discouraged, and emphasis placed on teaching our children not to leave drinks unattended, to avoid them being ‘spiked’ with date rape drugs in absentia, even if it’s just a short visit to the toilet. It gives the rapist, more than enough time to operate.
Parents must teach their sons especially, not to rape. More emphasis is placed on trying to teach girls how to stay safe, how to dress and so on, to avoid being raped, as opposed to also teaching boys how not to rape or be sexually violent. The two initiatives, must go hand in hand. We must teach our sons that, violence against women, is unacceptable. We must teach our sons from the onset that sexual harassment, like making cat calls and commenting on girl’ bodies, is wrong. We must also teach our sons that, they must get a clear “yes” from a lady, before any sexual interaction. Just because she doesn’t say no, or she is silent, does not constitute consent.
“WE MUST ALSO TEACH OUR SONS THAT, THEY MUST GET A CLEAR “YES” FROM A LADY, BEFORE ANY SEXUAL INTERACTION. JUST BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T SAY NO, OR SHE IS SILENT, DOES NOT CONSTITUTE CONSENT”