BUHARI – I SAY ‘I’M SORRY
The moment I saw the charges they have levelled against my brother Sowore, fear begin to catch me. You see, there are two things I fear the most in this my life: jail and HIV. Any other thing, I will take it. But these two na my weakness. So the place where they say, insulting the president really make fear catch me o. Mbok, what is insulting the president, can they be a little bit more specific so that some of us will know how to be doing the thing? You see, writing column is not a must o. There are so many other things I can be doing safely than this weekly risk wey I dey take. Mr President, I have gone through some of my writings to see if there was any place I insulted you. I have seen some places that I may have come close but generally, I have never insulted you and will never insult you. But if in the course of my duty, you feel that somehow and somewhere I may have yabed you in a way that you will not like or may make mummy Aisha look you in one eye, please do not vex. Take it with the magnanimity of a father offended by his favourite child. He no reach to place a call to your people. You know them na, the ones that will be wearing black and be jumping around like SWAT team. But daddy, if we don’t insult you, who then will insult you na, is it Cameroonian gendarmes? Insult comes with the terrain. I can understand in 1983 because that time you did not ask for our permission to rule us. That one, you just ‘chance’ us but this one, na we chose you na. So we can insult you na, not to abuse your papa sha but to ask you some pertinent questions about our future and our welfare. If that is what your people are calling insult, then it is sad o my daddy. Anyways, my own is to make sure that I do not cross the invisible line that may have been drawn that divides your tolerance level and your trigger level because unlike Sowore, some of us cannot stay one day without afang talk less of 50 days. Anyways, my lord I like your moves this second term, let’s keep the momentum going and we may not have any need to ask Supreme Court definition of insult. Ok bye for now, have fun.
PASTOR BAKARE – TALK! TALK! TALK!
Mbok this man can talk. The talking is just too much. He wants to be the 16th president, it has been foretold. All that gibberish. We have not even finished the Osinbajo matter; the man has jumped the gun and is doing what he knows best, regaling his mumu followers with his anointing. That one is to make them continue to pay tithe o and not for the rest of Nigeria. Only God knows where all this is coming from. That is how they will be praying and be hallucinating and then, they will come and call it vision and expect that serious people will come and be taking them seriously. Let me tell you people one story: I used to follow my mother to Bethel Ministry. Pastor Oduyemi, the man is late now and there was this Igbo man who wanted to be President just like this Bakare person. Every Sunday, he will bring out the man and be saying that Jehovah God has ordained him and chosen him to be the next president. That one will now fall into anointing and be rolling on the floor and the pastor will be slapping him and the man will be shouting and be jumping while screaming ‘Jesus, Jesus’. I have never seen a bigger mumu in my life. While MKO Abiola and Tofa were on the field canvassing votes, this one was inside church rolling on the floor
and chopping sand. It was no wonder he did not even win his primaries. That is the kind thing we are seeing here too. This one is shouting up and down in oversized suit inside his church in Ogba that he is the 16th president after Buhari. Where is DSS? This is the real insult. Not only to the exalted position of the President but to all 200 million Nigerians. Mbok, someone should tell him where to put all this his empty boast. I cannot just relate.
P&ID DELEGATION – A PIECE OF ADVICE
For once in our lives, Nigerians should unite and give their full support to this team as they literally hold our lives in their hands. They have been sent to see how they can disentangle us from this albatross that these Irish people working with traitors in high places have put us. $9b in judgment payment will kill us. Simple. We should just dissolve the country and farm ourselves into other countries because there is no way we will pay that money and not turn into Sodom and Gomorrah.
I sincerely wish the team led by Malami well. Mbok, Magu don’t go and open eye there o. This one is not for gra gra o. Take your time, listen well, use interpreter if you need and wear better suit o. Remember, they will be recording you so don’t vex my brother. I know this is annoying but na cunny sense we go use win this one. Remember, we cannot arrest anybody o, we cannot send the red jackets and shakara them o. These ones hold our ‘balls’. Let Malami do all the talking, you can advise him in Hausa or is it Fulani or even pidgin but let him do the engaging. Look for a babe on the other side and use her as the weak link. Be winking at her during the talk and in the evening take her for dinner and if possible take her to the other room. You will be doing it for Nigeria, it’s the patriotic thing to do. Once you get her, she will be giving us information that we need. Please my delegation, stand tall, fight for us, do not give up until you come back in victory. This is a fight you will win for us, you have been carefully chosen, the very best that we can muster and our greatest warriors. We are waiting for the victory chorus and I the Duke of Shomolu will confer on you all with the highest honour in Shomolu when you come back. God be with you. Magu remember, I believe in you and use the strategy – ‘nack’ any female member of the team and victory is ours.
Let me tell you people one story. One day I flew into Uyo to see my mother. She was ill so I rushed her to the hospital and in the process I decided to check my BP. Mbok, the thing read 145/110. The nurse screamed, ‘Oga you have not died?’. I look this one, what is wrong with her. She ran to the doctor to come and see ghost o. They remeasured me and it went higher 150/120. The doctor removed her glasses and asked if I have ever had stroke. I said the only stroke I have had na the one Mr. Ajayi my principal for Command gave me. She said I was a walking corpse and that I had to go into medication. I refused. Me, Duke of Shomolu and terror to Shomolu light-skinned damsels? I refused any medication o, because I hear the thing use to cause power failure. I called my doctor in Lagos who said I should come back for tests that I will not die that night. After the tests in which I came out in flying colours including my ‘instrument of mass destruction’ also passing, he said I had to lose weight and that the BP was lifestyle-induced. He offered diet. Mbok when I see what this man draw up I say make the stroke kuku come kill me na – just see, four spoons of rice, one morsel of eba, no sugary beverages, no carbohydrates, no meat, no egg. I just scream Abassiiiiiiii. That was how I discovered So fresh and their wholesome meal. I started patronizing the place and before I knew it, I was meeting my weight level, getting the nutrients and come fine pass before. If you see me now, people will be saying I am 20 not knowing that I am 50 and power failure? Forget it.
That was how I now found out that this my brother and his lovely wife Abimbola who happens to be my friend Ife’s sister run the franchise. Employing 150 Nigerians in 9 outlets and growing, distributing healthy food and keeping us healthy. One day I will tell his story perfectly well so that we can all draw inspiration. An oil worker coming to be selling fruits? This is magic. Well done bro.
COMMANDER OGUNDANA – BUT WHY?
This news hit me in a very bad place. Someone had killed this lovely navy commander. Young and sprightly mother of three and a true patriot. She attended same secondary school although didn’t meet me but was brought up under the same credo of knowledge and discipline. No wonder she quickly rose to the enviable position of commandant. Now this son of a diseased mongrel cut her life short and did not even stop after hacking her into bits. I am happy he has been apprehended and much as I remain an ardent advocate of the rule of law, I sincerely hope that he would face the full weight of the law. To her relations and those she left behind, I say God will give you the fortitude to bear this painful loss. Things happen for a reason and who are we to query God? Sad.
EL RUFAI – I HAIL YOU
This governor has taken his son to a public school. Let’s look away from the symbolism of the whole thing and see the kind of message this very simple act is trying to pass. In a country where international education is now a must for both elites and middle class and a governor decided to send his very fine son to a public school, then it is quite remarkable. Now whether he will remove the boy when we have all forgotten and send him to where he really belongs is not the point here. Some people have said that it was just a publicity stunt, well that is their business because as far as I am concerned, let them continue to be doing publicity stunt, one day they will hang. The boy will say, daddy leave me, I am with my people. When we were in secondary school in Command all the big guns in the Supreme Military Council had their children in our school. Was it Aikhomu, Jemibewon, Abacha, Magoro, Nasko? They were all there and me I used to beat them in academics o. I tell you. I even saw Femi Jemibewon the other day in Ikoyi and he hugged me and was telling his people that I was his lord in school. So these boys whose fathers sent to local schools have grown up and destroyed the educational system and now will be sending their own children abroad. Which kind of generation is this? Real wasted according to prof. The wasted used to be reserved for his own generation but it is looking like the appellation is beginning to perfectly capture mine as well. We are all wasted. Mbok, El Rufai, the thing must complete o, from primary through secondary straight to LAUTECH. Just that I pity the boy, but the sacrifice has to be made.
HERBERT WIGWE – PERFECT GENTLEMAN
I have never really met him but once when I had gone for a job interview at Access Bank when he was still Deputy Managing Director. I entered his office and he was busy but looked real good. We spoke for like five minutes and I could tell he was impressed. You know when like minds meet they bond. He could sense my magnetic appeal and charismatic disposition that he did not waste time to give his nod for me to meet the great Aig. That one blow my candle, in five minutes he say he no gree. I just look am and smile and say na Access Bank loss. How can this Ishan man just look me say I no fit for Access Bank? With all my intelligence, good looks and swag? I even buy new suit that day o. All that no move Aig and he just cancel me. I leave am to God as I enter my car back to Shomolu.
Ten years after on the trail of EMOTAN, I secured an appointment with Herbert through the great networker Chike Ogeah. I tell you if the man they collect money for linking, he go dey struggle with Aliko for Forbes. Anyways, here was I late in the night waiting for Herbert to finish his Exco and come see me.
I was determined o. Even if this Exco will finish 2am, me the Duke of Shomolu will meet him. It finished and he sent for me. I saw him seated on his desk, 31million customers, the biggest bank in Africa and a major change agent just sitting down there in a smile as the Duke of Shomolu was talking. He listened intensely, asked some questions and said let’s see tomorrow morning. Just like that o? Me I was thinking it was style to push me off o. But I put it to the Lord in prayers, the next morning I was there. I bath o, pour perfume, use olive oil and enter the building. As I enter, he was there with people. Recognized me, asked me to wait and eventually made my day. I for say, I love the guy but as I no be Bobrisky, let me leave it at the position of ‘admire’. Herbert made a lasting impression and I must tell you I don suffer for Lagos looking for money for the Arts but this meeting made me feel like there is still hope. Herbert, this is to you, God bless .
VICTOR UWAIFO – A BINI LEGEND
I met him o for the first time in my life and it was by accident. The Commissioner of Arts, Culture and Diaspora Hon. Osaze Ero in Edo State was the one that made it happen. I had landed in Benin that day to continue our discussions on Emotan and he said he was with the legend that I should come there. I didn’t believe o and I didn’t bath that day o. Anyways I went o and was just looking at Sir Victor Uwaifo with open mouth. He was fiiiiiiiine. Dark with full afro. Not wig o, full hair. He was shooting a promo for the NAFEST and he shook me. I prostrated, jumped up, ran and sat down. Hon Ero was, I am sure regretting that he invited me. The embarrassment was too much. I didn’t even know how to relate. I have met many personalities, but this was a legend I was meeting in flesh. I salute the maestro even as I luxuriate within the ambience of his Fulfulde. No worry even me I know know the meaning of wetin I just talk. The most important thing is that I met him and not you. Kai.