Igbo Marginalisation – Myth or Reality?
You know, say I don’t know how to mind my business. Igbo people have been crying marginalization. I am not Igbo, and the only link to Igbo is the woman wey born for me and even that one sef, is half-Edo. That is how I went to write an article and publish in Ripples taking a firm stance against their position. Come and see abuse.
These people abuse me o especially two Igbo boys. Nothing they didn’t call me in this life. Kai, the thing pain me o and is still paining me. What did I say o? I only said this their complaint that everybody is complaining the same in this country o. That you can only be marginalised if you say you are and that Igbo people must understand how to engage in the power play and that it is all about building alliances through concrete negotiations and compromises.
I ended up by saying that Igbo have got very strategic appointments and held high positions, including the number two position in both civilian and military administrations. Mbok, what exactly did I say wrong that these boys come finish me like this? You see why Lai ban Twitter.
The abuse was too much. I swear if I had power, I would have proscribed that Ripples online platform. Even as I write, the thing is paining me. Let me quote one of them: “People should not take the fool writing this junk seriously because looking at his face alone will tell you everything you need to know about him and a very corrupt and hungry, lazy attention seeker.” Me, me o, this boy finish like this. If you see the way this thing is paining me, you will not imagine. I swear if I catch this boy, even if he turn to cat, I will wring his neck. He no even look at the issues in the very powerful article na to call me ugly and lazy. Please shebi they have ban twitter when will they extend it to blog o?
This boy has yabbed me finish. He has finished me o. Mbok, from now onwards, I no put my mouth again, if Igbo people want to go they can go o. It is not my problem again abeg. Mbok, me, lazy attention seeker, me, a whole Duke of Shomolu, Elder of the Present Truth Ministry and only one who can cheat on Duchess and live to tell the story na him this boy finish like this?
Sad thing is that it is not only him o. The comments reach 15. I come dey beg the Editor big-headed Sam to pull down the comments he know answer me o. Please Igbo nation listen carefully. I am no longer interested in your matter. Anything you want to do, please do, just leave Cossy Orjiakor, Genevieve Nnaji and one or two other beauties when you are leaving. Mbok, I tire. See abuse.
if when we finally separate, we will not carry all these uncommon leaders with us. Let’s get serious, please.
RMD’S WONDROUS BIRTHDAY PARTY
I had prepared for this party since o. I had warned my brother Mudi that I must get the invite o. I know that one will be fearing now, since I went to Azuka’s party and wrote a piece on how the waitresses were looking finer than the female guests because of over make-up and defective plastic surgery. That is how the write-up went virile, and they started to abuse me o. One of them even abused my just buried mama. That was low. So I yab you say you look like Kano mannequin, the next thing na my dear mama you see to abuse. It’s ok. There is God. Anyways, I assured Mudi that this time, I will not write anything. But no be me. I must write o. As I appear at the Federal Palace Hotel, I see my brother Mai Atafo running with bag like he dey run to catch molue. I follow him run just in case ‘they are coming’. But he was running to go and dress the man of the moment. So Mudi, Tade and talented photographer Kelechi Amadi Obi and myself now waited for Mai to go and give RMD his undies. That is how RMD came out o. The man is fine. I tell you. Come and see the jacket Mai sew for him - mad. He come wear red socks. The perfume sef almost give me covid as I couldn’t breathe. Oh boy this man truly has God’s blessing. That is how we all moved in the train to the hall. Come and see the whole of Lagos. I saw everybody o. Taiwo-Ajai Lycett, Soni and Betty Irabor, Ramsey Noah, Olumide Akpata, Dele Momodu. My Oga Chike Ogeah. too many people o. The ladies were all fine o. They were all fine o. the make-up was perfect. The dresses were perfect. Everything was ok. The tummies were well tucked in, the push-up bras did their work, and everybody looked sweet. I hope I talk am well o. The place was perfect. Sitting sweet, sound was from heaven and the food was divine. RMD enjoyed his day. He was 60, and Lagos came out to celebrate him. I even saw his pretty wife, Jumobi, who looked like the Marriot – seven stars. Happy birthday, bro.
AIR VICE-MARSHAL OMBU – A SWEET REUNION
That is how I was running from LASTMA in Lekki when the call came. I didn’t know who was calling, and I was shouting at my driver to reverse as the LASTMA people were looking like chasing us. We have not entered the one-way yet o. We were just about to when we saw the ‘bobos’, so we decided to reverse and run. That is how my phone started ringing, and someone had told me that LASTMA has gone digital, so that was me thinking that they have already caught me in their control office and were calling me not even to attempt to cross the border and that I should surrender. So with trembling hands, I picked.
Is this Edgar Joseph? The voice was commanding and authoritarian. It was a voice that was used to giving instructions. I was proud and afraid at the same time. If this was LASTMA, they have really progressed, and I was afraid that they could send a cruise missile from Alausa to take me out o. So I answered humbly, ‘yes sir, it is me’, and the voice screamed - Duke of Shomoluuuuuuuuuuuu. I relaxed and said if na LASTMA, we go negotiate am. I answered my lord. Who you be. He said, Air Vice Marshal Ombu. I say na wa o. AVM na LASTMA oga now o. This country anything can happen o. He say, where can I buy all you books. I am an avid reader of your column, send me the bookshop address. I need all your books. I check my account balance na N6,234. I say, mbok where you dey, I dey bring all of them to you immediately plus manuscript of the one wey I never even write. He say, I dey Lagos and that is how I walked into the premises of the great man. I liked him instantly. Good looking and suave. Very gentle and likeable. Nothing around him suggestive of the gruff and ‘can’t you fear me’ mien of most military officers and he did not speak to me in the ‘language I would understand’. He called his beautiful wife out. Come and see who is in our house o, the Duke of Shomolu. She was gracious. She commended the column and also said she wanted to read more. We talked about this, and that, and I listened. I always listen when elders who have had a front-row seat speak. I listened o, and he educated me about life and his career. I was engaged and almost didn’t want to go. Then he apologized for not giving me Afang. Apology not accepted. You cannot summon the Duke and now not give him Afang come dey offer am Cognac.
I drink am sha and I enjoy am but would have preferred Afang. Anyways, that was an experience. I enjoyed myself. Great man. God bless you, sir.
GREENSPRINGS SCHOOLS – MORE POWER TO YOUR ELBOW!
They have just gotten 8 of their teachers certified with the HP- IDEA thingy. This is the certification you get for digital education from the international conglomerate HP. They are the first in Africa and the Middle East to have that. You see, this school is one of the striking examples of how Nigerians can build sustainable institutions steeped in excellence. While the rest of us are out there crying and complaining about the nation, a few are building. My children attend Greensprings, all of them and I must say that I will continue to thank Duchess for making that decision and sticking by it. When she first came up with the idea, I look the school fees per term, almost double my monthly salary at that time. I say leave am, make we go somewhere. She say no. I say why, she say na wetin she want. I say is it you that is going to school. Mbok we no do. She say she will wait for one year instead of going to another school. That is how she went to register my first son o, my first seed in lesson so that I can save enough to go to this school. Na him I say let me go and even see this school. My people when I spent a whole day there, I knew that I had to give my children this platform. I spoke with the founder Mrs Koiki and came out of that session with a remarkable admiration of what she was trying to do. They even have one maths teacher. His name is Mr Mudasiru. The man is gifted, I swear. My son came out with the best result in Art in the whole of West Africa. Cambridge gave him an award. Chantal came out with 90% and is doing a powerful medical programme in the UK. Not only me o. The place and many others like that all over the country will form the core and the basis for the rejuvenation of leadership in this country. Well done Greensprings. Well done to the team, especially the bursar who used to give me a payment plan and credit. Well done, guys.
FU BAR A TO LO FAR I-ACCEPT MY CONDOLENCE
Fubara is a two-time commissioner in Rivers and my chief strategist in my failed attempt at taking over the Command Secondary School Alumni Association. He recently lost his very beautiful mum and had her interred in their homestead in Rivers. I could not make it but sent in my greetings and well wishes. The Tolofaris, especially Rosemary, were a staple in my growing up years in Secondary School, hence this special message to them. God will give you guys the grace to bear this irreparable loss but be consoled that she has gone home and she will be roommates with my mum. God bless you guys.
WHO WANTS THE DUKE OF SHOMOLU DEAD?
Duke, you have to be careful about the days around your birthday. That was mummy Sara, grandmother to my beautiful daughter Annette. I have dreamt three times this month that you were poisoned, but I have prayed and cancelled it. I say mummy, let me send for afang for you be like say na him dey cause all these illusions wey you dey get. I forgot about it and went my way. The next day, I sent out a broadcast on it, making a mockery of the whole thing. Then my friend Samson called, ‘Edgar, please take this as real. We have seen the vision in my church, and we have been in prayers for you. You will not die. Arghh. As I was trying to understand Samson, another childhood friend Lukman called, saying, Edgar, if you had not broadcast this, I wouldn’t have talked about it. You know how you people look down on white garment churches, well the vision had come in last week that you will be poisoned and my prayer warriors have been at work. By this time, I don even die. I could not feel my erection. I just collapse for chair. Mbok, who want to poison me o? Me, an orphan. My mama just die. I have five children and looking to take a new wife anytime from now. My other wife just die. Mbok who have I offended? Fear catch me o. People start to give advice. Stop eating afang, stop having sex, this world is wicked, stop eating at your regular places. Wear mask. Maybe na Duchess want kill you, maybe na your mama wey dey miss you. All sorts. Me, I am begging the person or the people. We have plenty bandits and kidnappers, go try and poison those ones. Mbok, leave me alone o. Na school fees be my problem o, nothing else. I dey beg o. kai. Only in Nigeria. Pray for me.