Folorunsho Alakija: My Heartfelt Proposal

Let’s start this week on a lighter note. The internet was abuzz recently with claims that Nigeria’s acclaimed richest woman, the ever beautiful and strong woman of God, Folorunsho Alakija, had received about 10,000 proposals from lovelore suitors seeking to replace her beloved husband, Mr. Modupe Alakija, who was reportedly on the way out.

My people, the only thing that the “agbado” economy has yet to hit is laughter. It is still free and social media continues to give us laughter in hefty dosages. That was how early that week, the airwaves were suddenly hit with the news that this wonderful couple were separating. Before you could say “afang,” the news had gone viral with all sorts of public commentary.

Their status as very wealthy individuals coupled with oga’s sometimes boisterous public imagery, especially the spat at the elitist Ikoyi club which earned him some form of retribution and a picture on the notice board, made this news too compelling to ignore and before you knew it, another post came out: Mrs Alakija receives 10,000 marriage proposals.

My people, with a bag of rice climbing beyond the N80,000 mark and hardship becoming our constant companion, if Mr. Alakija just make mistake like this, we go replace am quick quick.

Mummy, please let me submit my own proposal here and in public before they go and do “mago mago” and ‘disappear’ my proposal. You know this Nigeria; corruption has killed us.

Mummy Alakija, my name is Joseph Edgar popularly known as the Duke of Shomolu. I am a wellknown polygamist and heathen. I last attended church when Pastor Odukoya passed. But wait, don’t cancel me out, it is not by this outward showing that you should evaluate me but my inner self.

If given the opportunity, I will write poems for you daily; I will buy Afang for you weekly since I cannot cook it. I will wash your feet every morning and swab it with warm towels. I will learn how to give pedicures and manicures so I can revel your warm lovely feet every other day with pristine attention. I will carry your bags, open the doors for you, and dutifully wait at the reception for you to leave work every day. I will not check your phones and will patiently wait in my corner near the boys’ quarters until summoned.

Mummy, very importantly, I am no longer a member of the Ikoyi Club so fighting there or having my picture on the notice board can never happen. I already have five children so you will not have to bother in that department and lastly, I will love you in a way only an Ibibio man can love a woman.

Please, my number is on the top of the page, just ask your people to call me and I will swim the Lagos Lagoon, crawl in Lagos traffic and rush to be by your side as your most dedicated and ever-loving spouse.

Please Mummy, I really do hope that you are not thinking of settling with Daddy o. Please, do not break my heart o, just consider me even if it’s a marriage of one week so that I will be entitled to at least some form of alimony or is it palimony? Whatever the case is, please do kindly consider my proposal as you will never find a more sincere and loving suitor in this Nigeria. Thank you.