PROPHET ODUMEJE: KINDLY ACCEPT OUR APPRECIATION
I think Mr Cardoso needs to quickly send a letter of gratitude to this very great prophet. Taking the credit for the recent strengthening of the naira when it was actually the Prophet who released just one of his many powers to decimate the dollar is just so fraudulent. I have never known Mr. Cardoso not to be a man of integrity. So, it was the prophet that did it, and look at Mr. Cardoso, preening in front of the cameras as if he even knew anything about the dollar decimation. It was prophet o. His followers had complained to him that their contributions were dwindling because of the economic hardship that was occasioned by the forex crises. So, the prophet decided to do something about it. We all know that the prophet has so many powers. He has the one that can give someone’s wife bele from a distance. I swear if your wife is in the diaspora and cannot take in, he will just release “sempatrime” and that’s it. So, he decided to release just one – Abushakar. This one is a very violent one and this one attacked the dollar, and that was it. Now instead of Cardoso to go and thank him, so that he can continue the good works, he now went on TV to claim glory. You see why I don’t like this Cardoso again. What if the prophet vexes now and makes the naira fall to N5,000 to one dollar, will Cardoso even be able to afford the suit he is wearing all over the place? Please, my dear prophet, do not mind all these suit-wearing people, we Nigerians truly know the role you played in the issue and we truly really do say thank you. We are making arrangements to send one virgin from each state to you in full appreciation, and while you are still at it sir, can you please help us with one power for fuel price and also for corruption? I swear if you do this ehn...
Let me tell this story. I was a big fan of hers on ARISE TV and suddenly she disappeared from the screens. So, I forgot about her even though once in a while, she would cross my mind and I wondered what happened to her. Anyway, so I started doing a play on her father, the irrepressible and super iconic Chief MKO Abiola and then reached out to my brother, Rufai Oseni, to see if he could give me a lead. He said: “Let me ask her o.” He came back and said “I can give you her number but choose your words o. Tundun na very principled woman o, no carry your wahala go her side o.” I said, Rufai? You wey they yab people for TV and wey make Fayose almost cry dey fear Tundun? My people, I respect myself and go my way o. Then last week I published my encounter with my oga who yabbed Abiola, and the chat came. Wow! It was Tundun in all her glory. Let me paraphrase it small… “Someone sent me your article. You appear to be extremely generous in your description of your nameless, faceless friend who asked the imbecilic question.” Aghhh, Tundun don yari oooooo. My people, I run call my oga. Tundun has finished you o. Oga said send it to me. He read and said, please don’t call my name o. I said oga send me money first let me buy afang because this is looking like something that will scatter me o. So if I am going to defend you, I must be in good shape. Tundun continued “…. what sustainable developments did he leave for the country? Only 25 years of unbroken democracy which he laid his life to secure.” She continued: “…he could have ran; he could have bargained but he did none of that and gave up his creative comforts…” By this time, I was close to betraying my oga and saying please my sister, it wasn’t me. But it was Palm Sunday and I didn’t want to do another Judas Iscariot, so I kept quiet and she continued: “…he rejected all offers and conditional release, for that he lost his life and paid the ultimate price.” By this time, I was almost in tears as I could feel her pain. Nigeria had taken the love of an obviously very loving father from her and she remained very bitter. Then she dropped the clinger: “Now what did your oafish friend and his entire lineage contribute to match that? I wish I was spared such inanities on a Palm Sunday. It is why I am more restrained than I typically choose to be...” My people, I called my oga and we went into an oath swearing session. “Edgar, I still stand by my position. She is all emotional and it is expected as a daughter who lost her father but…” I will not say that one again o, before we enter another trouble. All I will say at this point is that I have held my testicles to swear that I will not mention the oga’s name and you all know how I don’t joke with that part of my body. How are you, my sister? be between Mr. Adesanya and the then minister - I have forgotten his name too - allegedly trying to induce him with not only money but with women. Women? Kai. You see why I cannot be a minister or president sef. Imagine me, the Duke of Shomolu as Minister of Power and they send me pictures of women that I should choose one or even two and sign contracts. I will first charge my phone very well, dismiss all my staff, lock the door well and settle down and say, “oga do you have the big ones, light-skinned with gap tooth? Send like six. Let me choose two first.” Then he will send like 12 and I will now choose one and now say kai, you have weakened me o…. Na wa o. You cannot blame me o. Even Samson in the bible na woman kill am. The only man wey resist woman na Joseph who resisted Potiphar’s wife and turned to big mumu in my books o. If this story is true, then Mr. Adesanya and his type should not come near me o as I am moving towards the Senate and possibly Senate Presidency – if Akpabio no go let them blacklist Akwa Ibom people from the seat, the way he is going. If our detractors will be sending me these kinds of pictures especially if they send nude -arghhh, I will just sign a padded budget without reading o. You people can be laughing at me, na your business. It is good for a man to know his weakness and be very open with it so that people will know how to get him. Mbok, my weakness, let me state it openly now and you don’t have to wait for me to be minister or senator to start tempting me, please start now. My weakness is voluptuous women, preferably light-skinned, with big eyes and of any height. They don’t need to know how to cook, we will buy food. They should just know what to do in the other room. My people, if you send to me, the Mambilla power plant can go to Cameroon for all I care, mbok, start sending pictures o. Kai.