Meeting over breakfast
In terms of shadowy intentions, breakfast is devoid of any suspicion of anything untoward being planned, like coffee in another quieter place. You can easily abort unpleasant developments in the conversation by pleading another engagement. (Hold that thought, I need to walk my dog which I left outside.) Abrupt endings are a variation of what nuclear analysts call MAD (mutually assured distraction). Either side can launch a first strike, in this case a quick exit, which can be reciprocated with ease.
Thus is breakfast ideal for handling meetings forced on you by well-meaning brokers who promote impossible deals — you have to met this friend of mine who wants something from you which I know you won’t give.
It can happen that such a mutual friend arranges breakfast as the corporate form of a blind date. The anxiety level rises when the original arranger, who knows both parties and is expected to provide the conversation fodder for the meeting, does not turn up due to a last-minute personal emergency — need to remove an ingrown toenail.
While the agendum (one topic only) may be clear, it is seldom certain how the breakfast meeting will go.
You exchange cards and describe corporate functions. Common friends (or activities) are invoked in an effort to connect relationship dots and arrive at the hoped-for conclusion — what a small world! ( Well, it was big before we met.) After concluding this joint hunt for known or related classmates, colleagues, in-laws, and countries visited, the stage is set for business. The whole table is embraced by a cosmic force of goodwill.
You agree on a common activity, ordering. This chore offers a good conversation opportunity for more small talk — what do you usually have for breakfast? This is an intro to the food pyramid. You are ordering too much of the food families at the top of the pyramid — the littlest triangle includes stuff you are supposed to avoid. Egg is fine, you are told. But you should only eat the whites (albumen is good for you). The shell is likewise not forbidden, but the yolk? Leave that to nourish somebody’s embryo.
The real business is dealt with near the end and put on the table like a hot towel after a Chinese meal. Food-enhanced meetings are not hospitable to power point presentations and usually end vaguely — let’s get together again to follow up. Each party walks away from the table certain that: a) He did not give anything away nor extend any kind of commitment; or b) She got an agreement in principle which she will include in her call report.
Just to remove the abrupt edge from the business portion, two more unrelated topics are squeezed in. New age types, or those who take cereal without milk, believe that the power to improve national prosperity lies inside the still-locked inner selves (Unleash the chi within). There is a vague invitation for a follow-up meal — what about a vegetarian place next time? (It’s on me.) You are assured that artificial protein made from soy beans tastes like meat. You already know what meat tastes like from eating the genuine article that bleeds.
You are finally told that there is another way of taking coffee, using… ehem, a lubricated nozzle inserted into a lower (and tighter) aperture. ( Who says that exits should not be used as entrances too?) Colonic treatment requires natural coffee, not decaf. The process is described as clearing a long highway littered with stalled cars, debris of fallen trees, and assorted road kill. Flushing out toxins does a lot of good, especially for someone lacking in high-fiber, omega-3 diet, alkaline water, and fond of egg yolk. (She is getting judgmental here.)
Is that just one cup of coffee? More like a bucket, she says, and it is best to hold it for about fifteen minutes while you download a movie on your phone. Be sure you’re sitting on a toilet seat and not the divan.
All uncomfortable things end. You leave your partly eaten corned beef hash with egg whites uneaten, and call for the bill.
You make a note to have the next breakfast with friends who take decaf coffee one cup at a time through the mouth and fully clothed. Of course, you forgot where you put their cards.